


Gravitational Anomalies

by shen



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff and Angst, M/M, the kids are astrophysics majors, the rest of nine percent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-05-24 04:06:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14947256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shen/pseuds/shen
Summary: On this sweltering summer afternoon, under the sun burning bright and the clouds hanging high, amidst the unfamiliar yet familiar buildings and the faint buzzing of a busy city, sitting next to Zhengting, Xukun decides that this feels like home.In which Cai Xukun goes to China for his astrophysics studies as an exchange student and meets Zhu Zhengting who's really cute and really bad at math.





	1. Chapter 1

China’s _way_ too fucking hot.  
  
  


Xukun shifts his weight side to side, irritated, as he waits for a taxi in front of Beijing International Airport. He impatiently loosens and tightens his grip on the handle of his luggage. The humidity is suffocating. He can’t stand to be outside any longer.  
  
  


His years in Los Angeles for high school have spoiled him. Yeah sure, in LA he had to suffer days burning 100 degrees F, but those days were dry and windy. Here, as he continues to be ignored by taxi drivers who have already picked up passengers, he feels sweat build up on his neck in the only 80-degrees-but-heavily-moisture-saturated air.  
  
  


He exhales sharply. Yeah, it was his own decision to go back to China to study abroad. It’s pretty damn hard to resist an opportunity from one of China’s top engineering and research universities. But he didn’t expect to suffer the moment he got off the airplane. The rigorous lessons and research assignments haven’t even begun yet.  
  
  


Xukun's kinda perplexed. He doesn’t remember summers in China being this miserable when he lived here as a child.  
Maybe he was just used to it back then.  
  
  


America has really spoiled him.  
  
  


Anyways, he’s seriously going to go mad if he stands out here a minute more without any air conditioner.  
  
  


A taxi finally stops in front of him.  
  
  


His savior.  
  
  


The driver helps him load his luggage into the back and he slides into the backseat with relief, cold dry air blasting from the fans. He carefully pats the sweat off his temples with the back of his hand then peers in the rear-view mirror and fixes the bangs of his dark blonde hair. Sure, he may studying a nerd major, but he knows he’s pretty and takes care of his appearance.  
  
  


“To Beihang University,” he tells the driver, who gives an impressed whistle and Xukun smiles.

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
“Goddamn.”  
  
  


Xukun says this in response to the extravagant appearance of the main university building, and also the extremely attractive student that has met him at the entrance, inquiring with a gentle voice and tender smile if he was Cai Xukun, the American exchange student.  
  
  


Xukun simply nods in response, not taking his eyes off the student, who has introduced himself as Zhu Zhengting.  
  
  


God _damn_. This time Xukun just thinks it in his head.  
  
  


Zhengting's really cute.  
  
  


He debates whether to pursue him.  
  
  


Maybe not.  
  
  


He’s not going to be here for that long anyways.  
  
  


Damn.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


A month in.  
  
  


Xukun’s fit in well with the astrophysics research department.  
  
  


The team (and his new friend group) he’s apart of includes Lin Yanjun, Wang Ziyi,You Zhangjing, Wang Linkai, Chen Linong, part time member Huang Minghao (or Justin, who's still a high schooler but has joined for the summer opportunity because he’s _that_ smart it seems) who comes only four times a week and often brings his fellow high schooler Fan Chengcheng,  
and most importantly, the team has Zhu Zhengting.  
  
  


They’re sort of an obnoxious (but endearing) group, though its mostly because of Yanjun and his "100 quadrillion neutrinos walk into a bar. Only one of them says ow” which is soon followed by “shut _up_ , Yanjun, you’re seriously not funny” _or_ Linkai randomly bursting into a song (only ever when its dead silent for some reason) _or_ Justin simply being a little shit high schooler and occasionally bringing the rest of his loud little high school friends _or_ …. Well, they’ve all got their own sort of antics.  
  
  


When they’re not threatening to beat up Yanjun for his shitty physics jokes, they’re in their classes with a hundred other students, and if they’re not doing either of those then they’re in their team’s room, working on their individual papers or working all together as nine on the team research project, sometimes passing out in their cubicles when they’re done for the day, too tired to retire to their dorms. On the few days when they have time to spare, they'll go out to eat or hang around outside and fool around on bikes or skateboards or invade Zhengting's dorm to play games.  
  
  


For Xukun though, he’s got one more thing on the daily list, and its checking out Zhengting, who sits in front of him on their shared desk area and cubicle.  
  
  


Xukun really thanks the universe for this luck.  
  
  


They’ve become good friends, it’s hard not to when Zhengting’s been insisting on being Xukun’s sort of guide around the university, introducing him to staff and the facilities and even when Xukun has familiarized himself enough with his surroundings, he continues to accompany him along with some of their teammates. And since they found out that both of them shared the hobby of dancing, they’d often practice together with other students whenever they found enough free time (though admittedly, it was sort of rare).  
  
  


So even though they’re together a lot of the time, Xukun likes the quiet moments in their cubicles when the team’s finally quietly doing individual work and he can observe Zhengting when he isn’t paying attention and won’t call out Xukun for it.  
  
  


Actually, Zhengting has noticed more than once and smiles at him each time, their eyes meeting. And each time Xukun feels his heart rate accelerate at an instantaneous rate.  
  
  


He does feel a bit embarassed when Zhengting catches him, though Xukun refuses to back away and simply smirks in return.  
  
  


Ah.  
  
  


So much for baying any feelings.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“Gege, you’re godawful at math.” Xukun’s tone is full of amusement.  
  
  


“An absolutely _ground-breaking_ observation, Xukun-ge.” A voice that sounds a lot like Justin’s comes from a cubicle nearby.  
  
  


The sarcastic comment goes ignored by the two of them, who are paying far more attention to each other for either of them to care.  
  
  


Zhengting fakes his annoyance, because everybody at the university knows it already, adjusting his glasses and pouting a bit before he playfully hits his arm. “Like I don’t know that? Shut up and help me. My calculations are getting too complex and I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.”  
  
  


God, he’s cute.  
  
  


“This has been like the 6th time since I got here.”  
  
  


“You’re lucky.” This time a voice that sounds like Ziyi’s comes from another side of the room. “Usually he’d be begging one of us for help far more frequently, at least 4 times a week. Thank you for taking on the burden, Kunkun.”  
  
  


Zhangjing joins in from the same direction. “Your math is better than the rest of us, so please actually teach him so we can all live in peace in the future."  
  
  


He laughs in response as Zhengting pretends to look outraged. A wonderfully cliche situation. The person he likes sucks at math, and he, Xukun, math extraordinaire, is always the person Zhengting turns to when he needs help.  
  
  


Xukun then sighs, pretending to look exasperated, placing a hand on the desk and leaning forward, mostly to be closer to Zhengting’s shoulder and also to see the paper better and skims the assignment as quick as he can.  
  
  


Star energy equilibrium mechanics involving the attraction towards the star’s interior and the outward pressure exerted by gases and light.  
  
  


“Emden equation, Zhengting-ge, come _on_. The radiation absorption coefficient, law of emission of energy, function of the density and temperature are known and recorded. You don’t need to use all these individual ones, all of the cases here can be reduced to Emden.” He takes a pen and lines down the formula to the side of the paper, deducing that it was highly probable for Zhengting not to have memorized it.  
  
  


Zhengting is silent for a moment as he takes in Xukun’s comment. “Goddamnit."  
  
  


Xukun continues, his tone teasing. “Not to mention there’s quite a few mistakes in your numerical methods. You wrote the derivative notation improperly and didn’t account for boundary conditions.”  
  
  


“That input was not needed, asshole.” Zhengting makes an attempt to push Xukun away from his desk, though he’s smiling. “Thanks, I _guess_."  
  
  


Xukun laughs and sort of without realizing it, puts his hand on Zhengting’s head, ruffling the soft hair. He notices Zhengting stiffen at the action but the older unexpectedly reacts and reaches up, putting his own hand on top of Xukun’s.  
  
  


Oh.  
  
  


Xukun notes the immediate rate increase in his chest.  
  
  


“Do you know how much older I am than you? 3 years. You’ve got some guts to do that, _Xiong Di_.” Zhengting's words are biting but his playful tone overrides it.  
  
  


“Though, I guess I don’t mind if its you.”  
  
  


* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you for reading my first fic.
> 
> It's sorta based off a few of my own experiences,  
> and uhh I study astrophysics only as like, a "hobby" so if anybody here actually gets the shit they're talking about, I'm sorry I know it's a bit inaccurate or worded weirdly lol, and I didn't want to go into detail because it's a bit pointless and I actually haven't learned the calculations in depth, just mostly broader concepts.
> 
> I also kinda screwed around with Linong and Chengcheng's ages, so let's just pretend Linong is older than Chengcheng haha
> 
> Any kudos, comments, critiques are much appreciated!
> 
> i plan to update this at least once a week.


	2. Chapter 2

Fuck.  
  
  


_Fuck._  
  
  


Xukun really thinks he’s going to break down.  
  
  


He decides that at this moment, he really _hates_ quantum mechanics.  
  
  


He sort of hates his professor too, for assigning this goddamn project to him as a challenge since he’s consistently been rank #1 in the class. The number hasn’t faltered even as the class went into the quantum mechanics unit (aka one of the most challenging topics of physics). The same can’t be said about the rest of class, as scores stumbled and rankings rearranged, meanwhile Xukun's rank appeared untouchable and his gap with the #2 student actually increased during this time of turmoil. Don't get it wrong though, Xukun's doing a little worse than usual, just not as much as his peers.  
  
  


He also sorts of hates himself too for taking on the project so confidently, because now he can’t really back out of it, or he’d hate himself even more. Well, he couldn’t really have refused in the first place, after all the professor just _had_ to choose to offer the project to him in front of the whole class, creating quite an amount of commotion. Yeah, he knows the professor didn’t mean any ill by choosing to publicize it, but with a hundred other students watching him, many who he knew looked up to him or hated him, it really felt like there was no way he could not accept. So Xukun had just put on his usual composed, ready attitude and took it up.  
  
  


And now, as he suffers through, he’s starting to have a lot of doubts about himself. He can’t really bring himself to admit fully that the only way he’s been surviving this unit is essentially completely memorizing equations and key concepts. He’s got an advantage with his foundation of exceptional skill and understanding of mathematics, so when paired with the load of the quantum mechanics crap he’s forced into into his hippocampus, the BS he creates on his tests and homework somehow actually correct.  
  
  


So if he does well on this damn project, then it’ll sort of prove that yes, he’s been doing well in comparison to others in the class because he _is_ smart and thoughtful and _not_ 40% outside skill and 60% luck and bullshit.  
  
  


It’s kind of a pointless attempt now though, because he doesn’t get this shit. He doesn't truly understand the concept of quantum mechanics.  
  
  


Yeah, he _knows_ that the theory is about just waves and particles and the comparison of the measurement and collapse postulate with unitary evolution.  
  
  


But he doesn’t know why, or how because there’s no goddamn physical process to connect the fucking equations to.  
  
  


Shit’s just all theoretical.  
  
  


Which is just _great_ , because that’s the whole basis of this project. So he’s kinda pissed, because that level of crap is for a professional physicist, which he is not.  
  
  


He clicks off what seems like the thousandth lecture video he's watched. At this point he's watched both Chinese and American professors' videos. Even after having it explained in two languages, it still doesn't make enough sense to him.  
  
  


Maybe if he was calmer and under less pressure he’d think and ponder over it happily and full of fascination like a science-y version of some kind of 17th century philosopher, but right now he’s not and hates it with every fiber of his being.  
  
  


His professor had overestimated him. Though, thinking this makes Xukun even more pissed off, because he hates hates _hates _falling short of expectations, and at this point he’s going to be falling short of not just his professor’s but also his own.__  
  
  


At the same time though, he knows he’s being kind of over-dramatic, and that adds to his annoyance.  
  
  


So now Xukun sits in front of his computer at his cubicle, silently burning in a cycle of anger and frustration and disappointment. There’s not really anybody who understands the concept any better than him that he knows except for his professor, and he sure as hell isn’t going to be calling him for help at these hours, nor does he want the professor to know that he’s struggling.  
  
  


Again, _fuck_ this.  
  
  


He’s tried to look composed and intellectually deep in thought the whole four hours he’s been sitting there because out of everybody on the team that chooses to stay a bit later today, it just _had_ to be only Zhengting, who's right in front of him on his own computer. The last thing Xukun needs to do is to be breaking down in front of his crush, but it’s 2 AM and his sanity is kind of going.  
  
  


And he does.  
  
  


He abruptly stands up, angrily smashing his hands down on the keyboard, not giving a shit when a couple of his tabs accidentally close and his notes become cluttered with “sdjkfjedfks", then furiously grabs the edge of his rolling car and flings it towards the next cubicle, listening to it crash into the bookcase. The loud thuds of falling textbooks follow momentously after.  
  
  


Blood is pounding hard in his ears and his breathing is quick and shallow. A headache starts to build up.  
  
  


“Kunkun?"  
  
  


Zhengting has made his way over to Xukun’s side of the cubicle, and reaches out to rub his shoulder. “Hey, come on, let’s calm down.”  
  
  


Xukun doesn’t really respond, his gaze unfocused, too caught up in the emotions in his mind, and now that Zhengting’s touching him, more of them augment and collide with his thoughts.  
  
  


So Zhengting seems to not think that this is enough, and steps closer, basically embracing Xukun as his left hand wraps around his back and his right hand travels up to ruffle Xukun’s hair.  
  
  


Oh, god.  
  
  


Xukun feels his face heat up a bit as he remembers that Zhengting’s reciprocating what he had done to him a few days prior, but finally allows himself to relax against the touch and rests his chin on Zhengting’s shoulder. His shoulders slump as he heaves a sigh, though he’s far from as tired as he tries to make himself look.  
  
  


He’s way too aware of the slight rising and falling of Zhengting’s back as he breathes. He’s way too aware of Zhengting softly tousling his hair. He’s way too aware of Zhengting’s hand holding his back, the touch feeling like its burning through Xukun's jacket and to his skin.  
  
  


Yeah, he’s probably blushing real hard and he’s too thankful that Zhengting can’t see it.  
  
  


A minute of silence passes, though it feels like hours, and Xukun pulls away. He’s a bit reluctant to, but he can’t really stomach the fluttering feelings inside his chest or the warmth building up inside him for much longer. "Okay, back to work.”  
  
  


“No, no, not yet. Come on, how about we go outside for a bit? Let’s get some fresh air. You need a change of scene, not just a small break in the same place. Maybe it’ll help you focus more later."  
  
  


Xukun doesn’t answer because he doesn’t trust himself to not accidentally say something awkward but Zhengting seems to take his silence as a yes (and it was, because how can Xukun say no to Zhengting) and Xukun aimlessly watches their hands link together and Zhengting pulls him out of the room, into the elevator, and then finally out of the astrophysics department building.  
  
  


A new kind of frustration sort of builds up inside Xukun. Two seconds ago he was feeling like the spawn of Satan and now he’s blissful, too aware of the tenderness of Zhengting’s hand on his own.  
  
  


It’s too much for him to handle.  
  
  


So his mind kind of goes on autopilot and he lets Zhengting guide his actions for him.  
  
  


They walk across the road, dimly lit by yellow street lamps and on to the oval island of grass that sits in the middle of the circle of department buildings.  
  
  


Zhengting sits down. Xukun does the same, then decides to lay completely down, back hitting the cool grass.  
  
  


They’re silent for a minute or so. Only the chirping of cicadas and the faint occasional whish of bypassing cars on the nearby highway is audible.  
  
  


“I didn’t really expect for there to be a point where you’d be stressed about your academics,” Zhengting softly begins. “Aren’t you like at least top three in all of your classes? That’s really amazing.  
Though, I think I understand, it’s not all glory and ease, it’d mean you have a lot of pressure.”  
  
  


They make eye contact. Xukun is still silent, unable to formulate anything to say back.  
  
  


He’s kind of surprised. Because there hasn’t been people who were sympathetic to him like this.  
  
  


It’s always been, _”You’re already #1, you’re basically guaranteed a good future. What is there even to worry about?”_  
  
  


_A lot._  
  
  


But it’s hard for others to realize that.  
  
  


Not that Xukun blames them. He’d probably be the same. So he just appreciates where he’s at and keeps quiet.  
  
  


But this, this is a rarity. He almost wants to thank Zhengting for that, but it’d turn real fucking sappy and gross. Yeah, no. So he doesn’t reply.  
  
  


Zhengting continues. “And always being at the top, the possibility of failure is a lot harder to handle because you’ve never experienced it before, right? Hm, maybe then I think I’m a little thankful that I’ve failed a lot before. I’ve been conditioned, you know?” He laughs softly and Xukun smiles in shared amusement. “No, that’s just me making excuses for myself."  
  
  


“Aren’t you at least top nine in a lot of your classes though? I've seen the rankings posted around. That’s far from failing, there’s hundreds of students in a class,” Xukun finally says.  
  
  


Zhengting gives him a half-teasing, half incredulous look. “Have you forgotten already about my experience with math?”  
  
  


“Okay, yeah. Understood.” They both laugh.  
  
  


“But Kunkun, I hope you’ll start to learn to not care about those pressures.”  
  
  


“Yeah, maybe. It’ll be a long process.”  
  
  


“I can help.”  
  
  


Xukun thinks about how he’s leaving in two months. Then shoves the thought away. Well… two months is long enough, right? “Thank you.”  
  
  


Silence ensues again.  
  
  


Xukun shifts his gaze back to the black sky. He hears shuffling and sees with his peripheral vision that Zhengting has laid down on his back as well.  
  
  


“You know how you earlier said I needed a change of scene?” Xukun asks.  
  
  


“Yes."  
  
  


“I don’t like this scene.”  
  
  


“Oh. Sorry.”  
  
  


“No, no, I- I don’t mean it like that. Like I... I like this. I like you being next to me.  
  
But I don’t like the scene I’m looking at.”  
  
  


Zhengting’s response sounds hesitant. “And the scene you’re looking at is… the night sky.”  
  
  


“Yes. This school’s for astronomy, astronautics, space travel; isn’t it?  
But we can’t even see any stars.  
  
The sky’s just black every night. Beijing’s smog is too heavy."  
  
  


“Yeah, we'd have to go to our observatories in the countryside or more remote areas to see them."  
  
  


“I don’t like it. I like how in America you can see the stars almost anywhere, even in the cities, you can still make them out."  
  
  


“Is seeing the stars important? Our research doesn’t even need us to use the telescopes most of the time, we assimilate the data, do the calculations, and write the papers."  
  
  


Xukun thinks for a bit before replying. “Yes, it's important. I’ve studied the stars for so long, thinking about their radiative transfer processes and the luminescence of their plasmas. I like it, I like what I’m studying. So I’d like to be able to see for myself, exactly what I’m working for. I can’t really see it here.”  
  
  


Zhengting doesn’t say anything back.  
  
  


* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got done with this chapter a bit quicker than I expected, it's probably a bit uneventful compared to the first but stay tuned!!
> 
> Anyways, another thank you for those that read, commented, or gave kudos on the previous chapter! It really makes me happy! I hope this one was enjoyable as well even though I know not as much happened.
> 
> Also I created a twitter because I literally know nobodyyy that likes Idol Producer/NPC so I'm trying to connect with people that are fans aha, pls find and talk to me at @baifenzhi9 (pls I genuinely have nobody to talk to about the boys). :]
> 
> Thanks again for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

Xukun is starting to feel homesick.  
  
  


Well, sort of and sort of not.  
  
  


It’s more like, he’s forced himself to feel homesick.  
  
  


Because Zhengting’s been a little bit distant recently, and Xukun _knows_ he’s probably just overthinking it, but it’s _really_ bothering him.  
  
  


He hasn’t done anything wrong, right?  
  
  


Xukun isn’t about to ask him. Yeah, no way. Because it’s highly probable that if he does, he’ll accidentally say something that’s _actually_ wrong or Zhengting’ll just take the confrontation the wrong way. Plus, he doesn’t want Zhengting to think he’s paranoid and overdramatic (though he kind of is when it comes him).  
  
  


He’s watched enough movies and read enough books to know that his situation’s sort of perfect for dumb misunderstandings that bleeds relationships dry.  
  
  


He’s always thought it was stupid that the characters couldn’t talk it out.  
  
  


But now he sort of empathizes with them.  
  
  


There’s too much uncertainty. It’s a lot better to stay silent and play it safe.  
  
  


Anyways, it’s only really minor things. Like, Zhengting hasn’t _really_ asked Xukun for help on his calculations, he’s gone to Linong or Ziyi instead. He hasn’t been walking to the astrophysics department building with Xukun from their dorms _that often_ or grabbing lunch with him like on _most days_ or accompanying Xukun around on the campus in general _as much_.  
  
  


So it’s not like Zhengting’s been avoiding him, he’s just been with Xukun a little less.  
  
  


Very minor changes.  
  
  


But of course, Xukun notices; he’s got a crush on the man.  
  
  


He knows that Zhengting’s probably just going to others for help because he doesn’t want to bother Xukun (who has clearly expressed his stress over schoolwork these past few days) or because his problems are probably related to a class he, Linong, and Ziyi share and he’s probably not keeping Xukun company as much because he’s a bit busier.  
  
  


Again: but of course, Xukun is bothered; he’s got a crush on the man.  
  
  


So as a coping mechanism, Xukun tries to distract himself by thinking about his home back in LA, though it doesn’t really work, he’s still noticeably a bit more irritable and stressed than usual. And that leads to him putting on an act; that the reason he’s bothered is because he’s homesick.  
  
  


Linkai, Justin, and Chengcheng aren’t sympathetic. They invade his cubicle take and advantage of his feigned sadness and pester him with questions about America _a lot_. Xukun thinks that they’re only interested because they’re diehard fans of various American singers and rappers (“Do you hear Drake on the radio a lot?” “I don’t even listen to the radio.”).  
  
  


“Hm, well clearly you’re not in a relationship now, or else you’d be on your phone a hell lot more often, so did you at a point have a girlfriend in America?” Justin asks.  
  
  


It takes all of Xukun's willpower to not look at Zhengting, who’s in his usual place, sitting at his computer right in front of Xukun. He doesn't take a part of the conversation though, just listens while typing another paper.  
  
  


“No.”  
  
  


“Okay, boyfriend then?”  
  
  


It takes even more willpower to not look at him.  
  
  


But Xukun is tempted because he wants to know what kind of expression Zhengting has.  
  
  


“No, you think I had time for that? I was working my ass off in high school so I could get into a good college, it wouldn’t have worked out with all the advanced classes I took.”  
  
  


“You really don’t seem to be the person that’d be single though. I mean, even as another guy, you’re not bad looking. Bet you were popular though.”  
  
  


Xukun only shrugs with ambivalence. He was, but it started to fade away after he rejected person after person, and people began realizing that he wasn’t interested in dating at all and stopped trying.  
  
  


“What do you _mean_ , ‘even as another guy?’” Chengcheng jumps in the conversation, turning to Justin with mock indiginance. “You’re totally bi.”  
  
  


“Okay, yeah but like, Xukun’s good looking but he isn’t _my_ type of guy, you know? So I wouldn’t-“  
  
  


Xukun shuts it down. “Alright, alright. This is really getting weird, you’re only 16, basically a fetus so you can’t be talking about this, move on.”  
  
  


So he shifts the topic and talks to them about racing cars with his friends, Halloween, playing on his high school’s basketball team, concerts, the beaches (it’s California, come on), and of course Disneyland.  
  
  


Though the main disparity between China and America is in academics, and Xukun brags about the lack of class rankings, not having to attend cram school, and not having to stress out about _Gaokao_ (the high-stake national exam upon which Chinese students’ entire futures depend on, far more stressful than the SAT he had to deal with).  
  
  


“America seems like a carefree paradise,” Justin whines out of jealousy, and Chengcheng puts a hand on his shoulder and sighs over-dramatically in sympathy. The two high schoolers are on the same page, probably suffering through even more stress than usual as the said Gaokao draws closer as they near their last year of high school. “Maybe I should just move to America. ”  
  
  


“Don’t, you’ll fail every English class,” Xukun teases.  
  
  


“It seems worth it though.”  
  
  


“Good luck with that.”  
  
  


The conversation ends there and the other three return to their cubicles.  
  
  


“America sounds nice,” Xukun hears Zhengting comment in front of him.  
  
  


“Yeah.”  
  
  


“If I were you, I’d miss it too.”  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Two weeks.  
  
  


The distance between Xukun and Zhengting hasn’t widened nor has it been fixed.  
  
  


Zhengting just carries along as usual.  
  
  


Though, Xukun wonders if Zhengting can feel it too, but just hides it.  
  
  


Xukun doesn’t really know what he's expecting. It’s not like Zhengting owes him an explanation.  
  
  


Not that there’s even really anything to explain.  
  
  


But Xukun doesn’t think he can wait much longer for things to return to what he has always considered normal, whenever (or if) that’ll happen.  
  
  


So he’s on his way to find Zhengting to talk. Maybe he could have waited for Zhengting to come back to the team room, but he’d really rather not have the others be around to hear.  
  
  


He has no idea what he’ll say, just figures that he’ll come up with something, hopefully.  
  
  


He goes through a series of sidewalks, stairs, and elevators through the campus to get to the class Zhengting’s about to be dismissed from. He’s full of nervous energy, breath uneven and hands clammy.  
  
  


Xukun’s just on time. As he walks down the hallway, Zhengting’s just closed the classroom door behind him, always the last one to go since he’ll stay a bit later after class to ask individual questions.  
  
  


They make eye contact and Zhengting looks a little surprised.  
  
  


They stop right in front of each other.  
  
  


“Hey,” Xukun begins.  
  
  


“Hi.”  
  
  


He almost hesitates, but ultimately can’t stop himself from reaching out and taking Zhengting’s hand in his own.  
  
  


It doesn’t make sense, Xukun knows it. It doesn’t make sense because they see each other everyday, talk to each other everyday.  
  
  


But he says it anyways.  
  
  


“I’ve missed you."  
  
  


Zhengting seems to understand it though, his expression turning shy, and smiles at Xukun as he tightens the link between their hands in reassurance.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


They’ve finally reached the first day of their two weeks of break.  
  
  


Everybody still gathers in their team room as according to routine, but instead of writing up papers and lab reports, now they play video games on their computers.  
  
  


The room goes back and forth from loud to quiet during their matches of PUBG. Justin and Chengcheng simultaneously yell at Zhengting for not paying attention to forcefield closing in while Ziyi urges everybody to shut up so he can listen for any nearby gunshots and Zhangjing complains about how he was the first of his squad to die _again_ while Linkai threatens to beat up Yanjun if he shoots the other’s character again as a joke.  
  
  


“My god, besides Justin, you all are absolutely terrible, _especially_ Zhengting and Zhangjing, but I can’t be surprised, you two suck at basically every video game,” Chengcheng grumbles. Only he and Justin are remaining out of their squad of four with Zhengting and Xukun. The rest were on another squad of five, which had already been completely eliminated. “Though actually, Linong wasn’t bad as I thought he’d be, so I’ll give him kudos for that.”  
  
  


“Thanks, I think?” Linong replies from his computer.  
  
  


“If we play League, though, Ziyi and I will be the ones carrying all of your asses,” Linkai retorts.  
  
  


“Okay, okay, I’m leaving with Xukun, so now you can play more matches without us being a burden,” Zhengting says.  
  
  


“But you don’t want to watch me and Chengcheng here win chicken dinner? Understandable, I’d be jealous and I’d want to stop playing too if I was as bad as you,” Justin scoffs, eyes not breaking away from the screen, then his expression turns triumphant as he successfully snipes another player.  
  
  


Zhengting rolls his eyes and walks out, Xukun following.  
  
  


“Have fun on your date!” Yanjun calls after them. Xukun can hear the rest of them failing to hide their laughter.  
  
  


Xukun suddenly feels a bit brave.  
  
  


“So, you heard Yanjun, is this a date?” Xukun asks teasingly.  
  
  


Zhengting’s expression looks conflicted, a mix of amusement and exasperation. He hits Xukun on his arm. “It can be whatever you want.”  
  
  


Okay.  
  
  


He seems to continue with urgency so Xukun doesn’t have the chance reply. “ _Anyways_ , let’s get out of here. You’ve come to Beijing but so far you’ve only stayed in the school because the schedules and homework are insane, so I’ll take you around now that we finally have a break.”  
  
  


It’s a five minute subway ride to leave the expanse of the university and into the city.  
  
  


The Beijing streets are busy. Pedestrians, motorcycles, scooters, and cars rummage and squeeze along the roads under tall buildings and telephone lines. It’s loud and colorful, lightboards and signs plastered all over but in some of the faraway areas, a bit grey where the smog sits heavily in the air.  
  
  


But Xukun doesn’t find himself really noticing much about Beijing.  
  
  


He can only really pay attention Zhengting, always right by his side as they go around.  
  
  


They walk down the streets, making small talk about various things like astronomy or music, occasionally being interrupted by a salesman and stop here and there to purchase items from street food vendors, trying out tofu or pastries.  
  
  


They finally settle at an empty bridge overlooking a small stream between some quieter residential buildings, hopping up to sit on the ledge.  
  
  


Zhengting begins to munch on his _bingtanghulu_ , candied fruit on a stick, while Xukun starts on his _baozi_.  
  
  


“Can I have one?” Xukun asks.  
  
  


Zhengting complies, sliding off a candied strawberry from the stick with his fingers, and brings it near Xukun’s lips.  
  
  


Xukun gets an idea.  
  
  


He’s dumb for this, and he really doesn’t know how or when he suddenly got this brave, but he can’t help himself anymore.  
  
  


He grabs Zhengting’s wrist to steady the older's hand and leans forward to take the fruit, but not without running his tongue on the tips of Zhengting’s fingers to lick off the excess bit of candy.  
  
  


Zhengting makes a surprised noise and pulls his hand back, his face tinted with pink.  
  
  


Xukun represses his laughter as he finishes chewing the strawberry.  
  
  


It’s sweet.  
  
  


Not as sweet as Zhengting.  
  
  


“What?” He pretends to sound oblivious, but he can’t stop the smirk that's forming on his lips. He thinks about how he really adores the blush on Zhengting’s face and the cute surprise in his eyes.  
  
  


“Don’t play games with me, Kunkun,” Zhengting pouts.  
  
  


“What’s wrong with it?”  
  
  


“Inappropiate."  
  
  


“How?”  
  
  


Zhengting scoffs. “Have you ever seen me tasting Chengcheng’s hand? Too intimate.”  
  
  


“Thank god you haven’t, I’d be jealous.”  
  
  


Zhengting blushes again.  
  
  


Xukun’s too amused, too adoring of him. He continues. "So you hate it?”  
  
  


“Don’t be difficult.” Zhengting is refusing to look at Xukun, but Xukun won’t let him ignore it, and leans closer.  
  
  


Xukun laughs. “Come on, it’s just a yes or no question."  
  
  


“Okay, whatever. It’s getting really hot, I’m gonna buy us some ice pops.” Zhengting rushingly pops the rest of the candied fruits in his mouth and hops off the ledge. Xukun watches him walk down the street to another vendor nearby.  
  
  


Xukun still wants his answer, but he’s kind of glad for the space, so he can calm down and ease the feverish quickness of his pulse.  
  
  


He finishes up his _baozi_ and thinks.  
  
  


Yeah, Zhengting definitely likes him back. There isn’t any doubt.  
  
  


Xukun's not as happy as he thought he’d be though.  
  
  


Actually, there’s a sort of a cold sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach along with the bliss.  
  
  


One and a half month left now.  
  
  


He’s counting down the weeks.  
  
  


Soon it’ll be days.  
  
  


He shouldn’t pursue Zhengting.  
  
  


Right?  
  
  


Zhengting comes back before he’s any deeper into his thoughts, handing Xukun a cold red bean pop while he’s sucking on his taro one and hops up back on the ledge to sit next to him again.  
  
  


Neither of them talk, but it’s a comfortable silence.  
  
  


Xukun wants to remember this. He starts to immerse himself in the details.  
  
  


His lungs dilate and sink as he inhales the humid air.  
  
  


He turns his gaze upwards, looking at the skyline above him.  
  
  


Tall grey and white apartment buildings stained with smog are connected by many black telephone lines and rain pipes, standing before a grey-blue sky. Clothes hang along some windows, while others have bonsai and bamboo plants poking out the balconies.  
  
  


For some reason, sense of nostalgia overcomes him, because he remembers living in a home humble like this years ago. Back in Hunan though, not Beijing. The memories are faint, blurred, but still recallable.  
  
  


“The living spaces here aren’t as good as your home back in America probably,” Zhengting comments, who has noticed Xukun looking around.  
  
  


He’s right. The apartments aren’t as clean, sophisticated, or as well-built as the ones in America, because the people here simply don’t have as much money.  
  
  


“Yeah,” is all Xukun says.  
  
  


He meets eyes with Zhengting again. The other runs a hand through his hair while patting off the bits on sweat on his forehead. The blush has faded from his cheeks. But his soft brown eyes still look away in shyness in response to Xukun’s gaze, though a slight smile is evident on his lips that are melting the taro bar.  
  
  


They’re positioned really close to each other. Xukun can see the details of Zhengting’s face. Xukun notes how his features are actually quite strong, masculine, though his tender personality makes him look delicate. He’s flawless.  
  
  


It takes a lot of strength for Xukun to not reach out and touch.  
  
  


On this sweltering summer afternoon, under the sun burning bright and the clouds hanging high, amidst the unfamiliar yet familiar buildings and the faint buzzing of a busy city, sucking on a red bean pop to relieve himself from the heat, and sitting next to Zhengting, Xukun decides that this feels like home.  
  
  


“I like it here more.”  
  
  


Zhengting looks a little surprised, eyes meeting Xukun’s again.  
  
  


“I’m glad, then.”  
  
  


Xukun leans even closer. He can’t stop himself anymore.  
  
  


Their faces are mere centimeters away. Zhengting hasn’t moved, hasn’t backed away at all.  
  
  


So close.  
  
  


Xukun can hear both of their breathing patterns, hitched and unsteady. The pounding of blood is loud in his ears and strong in his chest.  
  
  


Their gazes don’t falter from each other's eyes for a second. Neither of them dare to even blink.  
  
  


God, he wants to kiss Zhengting so fucking bad.  
  
  


He tilts his chin slightly upwards. In his peripheral vision, he can see the rising and falling of Zhengting’s chest quicken ever so slightly.  
  
  


Their lips would fit perfectly together if he were to lean in more.  
  
  


He almost does. They’re so close. It’d be so easy to. He can almost taste the sweetness.  
  
  


But he doesn’t, because it feels like he can’t.  
  
  


It doesn’t feel like it’d be a good decision.  
  
  


So Xukun decides to ask him a question instead.  
  
  


“Zhengting, can you tell me what you’d do,” he begins, his voice barely loudly than a whisper, then falters a bit as he catches his breath.  
  
  


“If… if there’s something you so badly want, but can’t have for long, would you still take it and enjoy it for the time you are allowed with it,  
or would you leave it be so you would never come to miss it?”  
  
  


Zhengting’s expression is mixed, so mixed that it's unreadable. Xukun can hear the other's breathing become even more uneven, and his own does the same.  
  
  


He knows Zhengting isn’t clueless. He knows that Zhengting knows his question is about them.  
  
  


Xukun is silently begging, waiting for the answer he wants to hear.  
  
  


He’ll kiss him if Zhengting gives it to him.  
  
  


“I… I’d leave it.”  
  
  


Oh.  
  
  


That isn't it.  
  
  


Xukun’s chest suddenly feels very empty and at the same time very heavy.  
  
  


But Zhengting’s answer sounds too faint, too hesitant, like he’s forcing himself to say something he doesn’t actually agree with.  
  
  


Come on.  
  
  


Xukun wants to coax it out of him.  
  
  


_Just tell me that you want me._  
  
  


“Really?” He inquires, his voice wavering a little, he’s nervous and he's desperate for Zhengting to change his answer.  
  
  


But Zhengting nods, and speaks again, this time his voice's a little more steady.  
  
  


“Because I hate… I hate the feeling of missing something. I think it’s the worst feeling in the world. So, if I leave it, then I can’t miss something I never had, and I won’t suffer."  
  
  


Xukun slowly shifts back, the distance between them expanding and expanding until it is back to what it was originally. His neck strains as he swallows his dismay, hoping to fill the gap in his stomach with anything, anything. He can breath again, but it feels hollow.  
  
  


The words sting.  
  
  


Xukun knows he didn't misinterpret their chemistry. He knows they both hold attraction for each other. He knows Zhengting's just being careful about the future, knowing what would be the ultimate result, and chose to reject it, but he can't help the disappointment, the ugly, gnawing conclusion that maybe Zhengting just didn't want Xukun as much as he wanted him.  
  
  


He can’t blame Zhengting. Because he knows that it'd be selfish of him to indulge in his desires for the little time he has left in China, and then just leave without a trace.  
  
  


So Xukun forces himself to cover up any sign of disappointment that might show on his face, shoving a neutral expression on to his features and looks away.  
  
  


He brings his red bean bar back to his lips, trying to distract himself with the sweetness to ease the bitter he feels. It doesn’t work. He doesn’t think anything could work to distract him, not even a nuclear bomb.  
  
  


His voice is quiet when he finally responds.  
  
  


“Is that so…"  
  
  


“What would you do, Xukun?”  
  
  


He didn’t expect Zhengting to ask it back. He’s quiet at first, thinking about what he should say.  
  
  


Then he makes himself shrug oh so nonchalantly, pretending that he isn’t silently aching, and lies through his teeth.  
  
  


“The same, I suppose. Because you’re right, what’s the point of setting yourself up for the unhappiness that’ll follow once it’s gone?"  
  
  


* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'd like to say again that I really really appreciate the support I've gotten for this fanfic, it really makes me happy and motivated! :]
> 
> So far my updates with this have been quicker than I expected as I've had a lot of time, but future chapters will be taking a little bit longer as I'm starting to get a little busy.
> 
> You can find me on twitter @baifenzhi9 if you have suggestions, questions (and if anybody has an idea/prompt that they'd like to see turned into a fic and want me to write it, I'd be happy to receive it!) or if you just wanna talk about Idol Producer Nine Percent with me. :]


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in Zhengting's point of view (sort of? It has his thoughts instead of Xukun's as it was in earlier chapters). It will all continue to be Zhengting's POV from here.

Only a few days pass after that day, though it feels much longer to Zhengting.  
  
  


It’s awkward between him and Xukun again.  
  
  


When they talk, they trip over each other’s words and their voices trail off, uncomfortable silences ensuing frequently.  
  
  


So they talk less, interact with each other less, to avoid it.  
  
  


They manage to hide it well when the nine of them are hanging out together. Zhengting just meddles with Justin and Chengcheng while Xukun engages more with Ziyi and Linong so they wouldn’t have to directly talk to each other as much. Nobody has made a comment about Zhengting and Xukun, if anybody even noticed.  
  
  


Zhengting at first thought it was good.  
  
  


He had hoped that the distance allows him to relieve himself of his romantic feelings toward Xukun.  
  
  


Clearly not.  
  
  


How can he, after that day?  
  
  


Zhengting thinks it’s sort of funny how his logic tries so desperately to regain control, to make him forget and let go what happened so it won’t affect him in the future, but it’s been clear that his emotions for Xukun could not be moved.  
  
  


He finds himself constantly thinking, replaying, that moment of Xukun’s pretty lips softly grazing along the edges of his finger tips, then the closeness of them to his own, hearing their shallow breaths entwine, and the potency of the younger’s gaze.  
  
  


How so excruciatingly hot, smothering, and tormenting it was.  
  
  


It was tempting, so tempting, to just lean in and kiss Xukun and forget about everything else.  
  
  


Even just the thought of it makes him lose his breath again.  
  
  


He could have. He could have just assuaged the uncertainty in Xukun’s mind as his lips hovered near his, and kissed him first.  
  
  


He didn’t. He didn’t want to end up regretting it.  
  
  


Though ironically, it seems like the only thing he’s not regretting now is not doing it.  
  
  


And Xukun to look at him like that though, Zhengting doesn’t understand why, but he can only describe it as unfair.  
  
  


It’s unfair because Xukun so easily, without hesitation, without thinking, initiated such intimacy, knowing very well that it was a game that was going to end soon, and neither of them would win.  
  
  


He wishes he could just be fine with losing like how Xukun seems to be.  
  
  


But someone has to be the responsible player.  
  
  


It seems to be always him. He’s always looking out for himself and for others, maybe it’s just because he’s one of the oldest or maybe it’s just because of his caring personality, thinking about the consequences and carefully making the moves and decisions.  
  
  


So Zhengting’s responsibility in this game is to not even play.  
  
  


But he wants to.  
  
  


Because, maybe he wants to enjoy it too.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Zhengting contemplates for another day.  
  
  


He, Justin, Chengcheng, and Linong are waiting for the others at the station to go to downtown Beijing to eat out.  
  
  


Yanjun and Zhangjing finally arrive together, while Linkai, Xukun, and Ziyi follow close behind.  
  
  


Zhengting doesn’t miss the way Xukun’s expression turns bitter when they make eye contact, which is quickly broken as it was formed as Xukun turns his head to converse with Ziyi, and Zhengting can feel pricks of jealousy in his chest.  
  
  


It’s only so subtle though. For the most part Xukun looks neutral.  
  
  


Zhengting knows though.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“We should stop seeing each other. We shouldn’t be friends. I’m getting tired of pretending in front of everybody else.”  
  
  


It’s 11 PM. They’re in a hallway. They hadn’t meant to run into each other. They were about to walk past each other without looking at each other, without saying anything, without acknowledging each other, until Xukun suddenly said this, voice echoing coldly against the walls.  
  
  


Zhengting abruptly stops in his steps. He doesn’t turn back to look at Xukun. He doesn’t move, breathe, blink. He can’t.  
  
  


“What…?” **  
  
**

A minute passes as he fully registers what was said and he finally turns around. Xukun’s looking at him, eyes distant yet smoldering, glazed with coldness.  
  
  


Xukun shrugs arrogantly, like he doesn’t give a shit about what he just said. “It’s dead quiet in here. You heard me.”  
  
  


A hole dips in Zhengting's throat, but it quickly overflows with anger.  
  
  


“What the fuck do you mean?"  
  
  


“Exactly what I said. We can’t mend this after what has happened. So instead of going around with our relationship pulled so thin, let’s just break this shit completely. It’s so tiring. We don’t even need to be friends. It’ll be easier.”  
  
  


A mixture of anxiety, disappointment, and hostility fuels and accelerates his heartbeat. Yet at the same time, he can feel the slightest bit of himself agreeing with Xukun. But he pushes it all away because he won’t allow that, he won’t allow Xukun to win this so easily, because it isn’t fair that way.  
  
  


“How could you fucking say that crap to me? You’re the one who started this, with all the skin-ship, and even almost kissing me, and you just want to take that all away?”  
  
  


“So? Aren’t you the one that rejected all of it though?” Xukun scoffs, distaste lacing his tone.  
  
  


Zhengting has a hard time of thinking something to reply to that, too caught up in his emotions, because Xukun’s right. A conceited smirk forms on Xukun’s lips, his expression turning amused and bitter at the same time as he takes the silence as a sort of agreement, and Zhengting jaw tenses with annoyance.  
  
  


“This isn’t some kind of game for fun. You can’t just put everything in and rip it away so easily just because you feel like it.”  
  
  


“I can, and I am.”  
  
  


Zhengting’s getting more pissed. He can’t contain his anger anymore. So he storms over to Xukun, and shoves him against the wall, breathing hard.  
  
  


Xukun has the audacity to laugh while he’s stumbling back. When he talks again, he sounds out of breath. “It’s so funny to see you mad like this. I didn’t think our pretty fairy Zhengting had this in him.”  
  
  


Zhengting wants to slap him. He fucking hates how unbothered Xukun’s acting, like this is all for his amusement. Maybe it is, because Zhengting doesn’t even know anymore. He can’t tell what Xukun’s thinking anymore; he can’t see through his aloof masks. So maybe it is just fun for him.  
  
  


Xukun continues to talk. “Glad I’m able to bring out a side of you I haven’t seen before. It’s good. Hate me, don’t be attached to me. Hate me, because I’m leaving soon. I’m going back _home_ soon. It’ll be easier for you when I’m gone.”  
  
  


Zhengting does his best to mock the icy amusement in the other’s tone. “Only easier for me?”  
  
  


Xukun’s expression suddenly shifts, like he’s sobering up, eyes filling with traces of sincerity. “Yes. Because I won’t forget about you.”  
  
  


This time it’s Zhengting’s turn to laugh. He really, really wants to beat Xukun. “You’re so fucking cruel, you know that? You say that absolute shit at the same time you’re trying to get rid of me.”  
  
  


“Yeah. Hate me.”  
  
  


“I wish it was so easy, because you really deserve it right now, though I don’t want to give you what you want.”  
  
  


“Well, you are going to either way. You can’t win this. I want you to love me, but I also want you to hate me."  
  
  


Zhengting bites his lip from frustration and confusion. Neither of them talk. The silence prolongs for maybe a minute. Zhengting doesn’t know what to say to that, just wishes this never happened. But he finally comes up with something.  
  
  


“If you take it back everything you said the past five minutes, I’ll forgive you. I’ll pretend this never happened. We both can pretend.”  
  
  


“Oh, you’re so fucking _easy_.” Xukun seems to almost coo at him. “You’re too nice, Zhengting.”  
  
  


Yeah. He knows that. He knows that very well. But right now, he couldn’t care less, because he's too desperate on not letting their relationship bleed out any further, and ignores the comment.  
  
  


“What’s your answer?”  
  
  


There’s no hesitation in the younger’s voice.  
  
  


“Fine. I take it all back."  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Yeah.  
  
  


They really do pretend like none of what happened that night in the hallway ever occurred.  
  
  


But there’s no denying that the distance between them widens yet again.  
  
  


It’s still awkward, and now a little bit more cold.  
  
  


There aren’t any more fiery encounters like that again.  
  
  


Zhengting’s not sure which one he prefers now. He hates the pent-up, inhibited silence. He almost misses the fervent lashing they exchanged days earlier, because at least they were talking. At least they were spilling out all their thoughts and emotions. At least they weren’t pretending that they were actually okay with what their relationship has turned into.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“Xukun.”  
  
  


The other turns around to face Zhengting.  
  
  


He was almost going to call Xukun by his nickname. But he doesn’t know if he can do that anymore.  
  
  


“Yes?” There is no trace of disdain, mirth, or even just interest in Xukun’s voice or manner. It’s just completely neutral. Polite, like he’s talking to a mere stranger.  
  
  


For some reason, that hurts Zhengting more than he expected. To be regarded by Xukun so simply, plainly, like Zhengting doesn’t mean anything to him, like there isn’t, wasn’t anything between them.  
  
  


But he disregards it, concentrating on the reason he called to Xukun in the first place.  
  
  


“Can you… can you come with me for a bit?”  
  
  


Zhengting finds himself unintentionally holding his breath. Since he doesn’t have any way of predicting Xukun anymore, not when their relationship has been strained like this, so he finds himself at least ten times more high-strung around him now. He nervously shifts his weight, nerves pulsating. He watches Xukun slightly raise his eyebrows in question, then notices the way the look in his eyes hardens and his anxiety elevates.  
  
  


“It’s midnight, though. I’m kind of tired…”  
  
  


Zhengting purses his lips in frustration, but tries to not show it too much. The atmosphere doesn’t need to be anymore tense. But the excuse was so sheerly cold, and far from the truth. Yeah sure, he’s just _tired_ , like being up this late isn’t a daily occurrence anyways on their normal school days with homework and projects.  
  
  


“It won’t take long."  
  
  


Xukun sighs, though at least it seems to be out of hesitation rather than distaste.  
  
  


“Okay.”  
  
  


Xukun starts walking to Zhengting, and he has to restrain himself from not reaching out to take the younger's hand.  
  
  


Instead, he starts walking forward and leads them into the elevator. His hand is slightly shaking as he hits the button to take them to the rooftop. They don’t make eye contact, both staring at the door. The air between them feels too condensed. It feels too pressurized, because they've both built walls to maintain that safe distance, but its empty within them, so it feels at the same time, vacant.  
  
  


The elevator door finally opens, after what was probably the longest 20 seconds in his life. The room they’ve arrived at is dark and dusty, abandoned wood boards leaning to the side and wires snaking around the walls. Zhengting walks past all of it and heads for the short flight of stairs present right in front of them, climbing up. He makes sure that he can hear Xukun behind him, then opens the door that’d lead them into the roof top and steps through.  
  
  


“Woah.” Xukun’s surprise is quiet. Zhengting barely catches it amidst the wind. He’s more concentrated on Xukun’s features softening as he looks up with amazement.  
  
  


Because in the bleak, dark sky are streams and streams of small white Christmas lights, floating in the wind, bound onto kites flying high, too high in the darkness to see what they look like. An imitation of stars, though unlike real ones that suspend in otherworldly stillness, these animatedly wallow in the air, softly glowing.  
  
  


“I thought a lot about that day when we were sitting on the grass, and you told me you didn’t like the night sky here because you couldn’t see stars. So, I put some stars in the sky myself. It isn’t any way I can make it as pretty nice as real ones. But you said the stars sort of represented the things you want, the things you’re working for.  
  
You won’t be here for much longer. So I made those stars, so you can see those things you want, in China.”  
  
  


Xukun doesn’t respond, eyes still up at the sky. A minute or two passes. Zhengting feels like he’s been holding his breath the whole time, anticipating Xukun’s response.  
  
  


Then younger turns to face him, leaning on the railing. His cold gaze earlier had disappeared completely. Now, he looks happy, with traces of repressed fluster.  
  
  


“This is a bit cliche, no?” Xukun smiles. “But I like it, a lot."  
  
  


The atmosphere turns light and Zhengting laughs in relief. “Ah, I guess. But I didn’t know how else I would be able to express… what I wanted to.”  
  
  


“Also, I remember that you started to act cold to me after that day… was it because of what I said?"  
  
  


Zhengting feels slight embarrassment for being called out, and he purses his lips in shyness, but he's smiling at the same time, because it means that Xukun was paying a lot of attention to him. “I didn’t really think you would have noticed... but, yes. I don’t know why, I guess I felt slightly hurt, because it sounded like you were kind of lost and didn’t really like it here, though maybe it's just because you were so frustrated in that moment, but I didn’t like that. I want you to like it here."  
  
  


“But there hasn’t been a day where I didn’t enjoy it here."  
  
  


Then Xukun steps closer. His expression is undecipherable and so, so handsome, as usual. They’re just centimeters away from each other, their gravities pulling at each other, again. Eyes locked, again. Zhengting doesn’t move a muscle, again. He’s feeling the temptation to kiss him first, again, but he knows, _not yet_. He sees the longing in the way Xukun looks at him, and notices the slight jerk of his arm, like he was going to reach out and touch Zhengting, but restrained himself, like he didn’t know if he had the permission to though Zhengting is close to giving it, but _not yet_ because he needs to clear up the ambiguity.  
  
  


So Zhengting speaks again, face flushed at their close proximity, voice quieter.  
  
  


“You remember my answer to your question on that day we went downtown; that I’d leave something alone that I could only have temporarily, even if I really wanted it?"  
  
  


Xukun doesn’t respond.  
  
  


“I... I change my mind. I think I’d rather enjoy it and experience the happiness it’d bring me, even if it’s only for a little bit."  
  
  


Zhengting doesn’t know what he was expecting.  
  
  


But he can only watch as Xukun presses even closer to him and takes his hand, brings it to his mouth and kisses Zhengting’s palm. It’s gentle, so very gentle, yet at the same time, scorching, consuming. He swears there’s red marks being etched into his skin at the touch. And Xukun nips the edges of his long fingers, then trails down to his wrist, forearm, and there’s a tug at his hand, and Zhengting stumbles slightly forward, to finally feel those searing lips on his own. It’s rushed, unruly, from waiting and wanting for so long, though there’s the slightest tint of hesitation, because they both know what this'll mean, that it’ll be so much harder to let go, but _fuck it_ and Zhengting forces himself to stop thinking and kisses him back, as much as he can, to let Xukun know that yeah, he wants him too. He’s breathless, gasping for air, only to take in more of Xukun’s kisses, tasting the sweetness of him and suffocating as it deepens and his body feels like it’s on fire, it’s too hot even though the nighttime wind is cold and he can’t breathe, but it’s not like he even gives a damn.  
  
  


They finally break apart, but not too far, shallow breaths mangling, though Xukun’s fingers linger, delicately cupping Zhengting's chin and he leans in to kiss him again, softer this time, before pulling away again.  
  
  


Xukun’s reply is barely louder than a whisper.  
  
  


“Then I change my mind, too."  
  
  


* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, thank you for reading again! I really appreciate all the people that have commented, gave kudos, or showed their support to me on twitter or other sites; the amount of people who like the story really surprised me!
> 
> I plan for this fic to be wrapped up in another 2 or 3 chapters, so yeah it's almost done haha. I hope it has been enjoyable so far.
> 
> Again, you can find me on twitter as @baifenzhi9 if you want to talk to me about the fic, give suggestions/prompts, or Idol Producer in general, I'm always looking for mutuals. :]


	5. Chapter 5

“So are you allowing me to pursue you?”  
  
  


Zhengting sighs, turning his head up from his homework and pretends to look annoyed as he looks at Xukun who’s on sitting on the couch right next to his chair, but he can’t stop himself from grinning, because he sort of enjoys Xukun’s teasing. “I only allowed you to accompany me in my dorm today on the terms that you wouldn’t distract me too much, which you are not following. And the answer is obvious… why do you always ask these kind of questions so directly?”  
  
  


“We still have a lot of time to finish homework even when we’re back to regular schedule, so why waste time on this? And you’re avoiding the question, so is that a no?”  
  
  


His hand reaches out to lightly chop at Xukun’s shoulder. “God, you’re really annoying.”  
  
  


“You’re smiling though.”  
  
  


Zhengting makes an attempt to glare at him. He bets that it’s not that effective. “Really, really annoying.”  
  
  


Xukun’s smirk is a bit irritating but mostly attractive to him. “You like me though.”  
  
  


“Now I’m wondering why. You talk too much.”  
  
  


He watches Xukun lean forward and cup his cheek. Zhengting blushes and wants to lean into the touch but reminds himself that he’s pretending to be annoyed.  
  
  


Xukun’s voice has no traces of teasing this time when he speaks again though.  
  
  


“I like you too, a lot.”  
  
  


Ah.  
  
  


Zhengting feels another rush of heat run up his face and presses the back of his hand to his cheek to hide the redness.  
  
  


“If you keep this up, I’ll die from embarrassment.”  
  
  


Xukun laughs and pulls Zhengting’s hand down so he can see his face better, but Zhengting turns his head down in an attempt to hide it anyways. He’s really glad that the rapidness in his chest is only audible to him, hopefully.  
  
  


“Cute. You’re normally like a parent, nurturing and looking out for others but now you’ve turned into a shy high schooler. Is it all because of me?"  
  
  


Zhengting huffs and swats at Xukun’s arm once more. “Annoying,” he comments again before he leans in and kisses Xukun.  
  
  


“Was that to get me to shut up?”  
  
  


“Yes.”  
  
  


“Shall I pursue you?”  
  
  


Xukun's persistent.  
  
  


Zhengting sighs again in exasperation but a smile is quick to replace it.  
  
  


“You really ask too many questions. Yes."  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
“God, did we really have to get together only when break is close to ending? We won’t really have another chance to do stuff without the worries of schoolwork.”  
  
  


Xukun looks up at him. “Isn’t there another two week break at the end of next month?”  
  
  


Zhengting’s voice is full of confusion when he replies. “No… where did you hear that?”  
  
  


He thinks about it for a moment more then speaks again, figuring out the reason. “Oh, it must be kind of a special gift for the exchange students, since right after their break that’s when they will…” He trails off.  
  
  


But Xukun picks up the sentence quietly. “…will be when we leave.”  
  
  


Yeah.  
  
  


Zhengting didn’t want to say it. He doesn’t want to remember that their time is limited. He knows it’s pointless, but he hopes that somehow if he just doesn’t acknowledge it at all, even if it’s just for a bit, then the prospect won’t seem real.  
  
  


The mood turns dispirited, so Zhengting pretends the last two exchanges didn’t exist. “Well, you’re pretty lucky then. I’ll just be suffering in a pit of numbers while you’re stress free and living it up.” He sighs dramatically for effect and feels relief when Xukun smiles in slight amusement. “If I hadn’t taken on this summer project, I could have had a proper, completely school-free two months of break.”  
  
  


“Then we wouldn’t have met.”  
  
  


“So, I’m glad that I did take it, and I’m glad that I met you.”  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
It’s now two days before classes and their project resumes again. And three days after he and Xukun made up. Zhengting’s really regretting that the majority of his break was spent being upset at Xukun. Maybe if he didn’t think think so much, things would have been fixed sooner, then they would have had more time.  
  
  


Time.  
  
  


The only thing he needs the most now, but it’s going to run out anyways.  
  
  


So Zhengting doesn’t take things slow. He and Xukun have been together essentially the whole time since they patched their relationship, always by each others’ side during the day, talking in their dorms or taking a walk together outside, and they openly hold hands when they’re in the company with the rest of the group. They didn’t bother with an explanation, but nobody seemed surprised so it was probably not even needed.  
  
  


The first night they slept in their respective dorms. Then the next night Zhengting walked into Xukun’s dorm at 2 AM. No questions were asked. Xukun just wordlessly rolled to the side of his bed to make room for Zhengting and they exchange kisses and touches for the rest of the night and nothing further than that.  
  
  


It’s the morning after now.  
  
  


7:46 AM.  
  
  


Xukun’s still asleep next to him, long bangs almost covering his eyes. Zhengting reaches out and gently pushes them back. No reaction. He sort of wants to wake up Xukun so he can see his pretty eyes and hear his soothing voice when they talk about random shit for bit before heading out. But at the same time he like this, likes looking at Xukun’s features and taking in all the specifics like the unique curvatures of his lips and the mole on his left cheekbone without him making a dumb flirty comment that'll make Zhengting embarrassed even though he likes it, but he’ll never admit it. Xukun probably already knows anyways, that’s why he persists with it.  
  
  


But Zhengting can feel himself starting to overthink this. And suddenly he feels like crying.  
  
  


Because he really doesn’t want to give this up now that he’s finally got it. But he’ll have to soon. Real soon. And even though this is the first time, he still hates the idea, or rather the reality, that eventually a morning like this won’t happen ever again.  
  
  


Yeah.  
  
  


But he’s known this, he’s known that this was going to happen from the start.  
  
  


Doesn’t make it any easier though.  
  
  


He hates how things can be really goddamn unfair.  
  
  


Zhengting can feel his emotions cloud his mind and his vision blurs the slightest as tears well up and he immediately shuts his eyes to keep it in, but the smallest bit spills anyways.  
  
  


He can hear rustling from Xukun’s side. He’s probably awake now. Yeah. _Perfect timing._ Then he feels Xukun’s fingers on his cheek, tracing his tears. Zhengting opens his eyes again. Xukun’s facing him, laying on his side.  
  
  


“Were you crying?”  
  
  


“Barely.” Zhengting looks away. Mostly because he doesn’t want Xukun to see his sadness but also because the look of the younger’s sleep-ridden eyes is doing too many things to his heart.  
  
  


“Come on. Tell me why.”  
  
  


Zhengting exhales sharply.  
  
  


“Thinking too much, I guess.”  
  
  


“About us?”  
  
  


“About us.”  
  
  


“How so?"  
  
  


“How I’m going to have to let you go eventually and I really don’t fucking want to."  
  
  


This time Xukun sighs. Not out of exasperation, but because he understands the difficulty of the prospect.  
  
  


It takes a while for him to respond.  
  
  


“I… I’m not blaming you, because this is difficult for both of us. But I don’t want to you to end up really unhappy. So… we don't have to do this, Zhengting.”  
  
  


“That’s not what I want. I think- I- I don’t know.” Zhengting has a hard time formulating his words and he bites the inside of his cheek in frustration. Xukun reaches out and rubs his shoulder, like he’s trying to get him to calm down, and Zhengting manages to relax, just a bit. “I’d hate it more to not be with you. But- ah, I don’t know. It’s just unfair.” He can’t keep the emotion out of his voice much longer and blinks rapidly to prevent anymore tears.  
  
  


It’s okay though. Because Xukun leans in and puts his arm around Zhengting and pulls him closer into an embrace. His scent and warmth both calms and incites him. Either way Zhengting has a hard time breathing again. In a good way. He rests into the touch.  
  
  


“Okay, then we’ll stay together. But don’t think so much then. Because remember what we agreed on? Let’s just forget about… that and just, enjoy what we can have. We have a lot of time. We have a month. Don’t think about it."  
  
  


“Okay. You’ll have to help me though.. help me not think so much."  
  
  


Xukun teases him. “How shall I do that? Kiss you?”  
  
  


Zhengting’s response is a bit too honest in contrast but he doesn’t care. “Yes.”  
  
  


“Wish granted. Now I’m going to sleep a bit more before anything else because you had to barge in at 2 in the morning so I only got about 6 hours of sleep.”  
  
  


Zhengting laughs. “I’ll leave you to that then,” he comments and pushes against Xukun, but the other's hold on him doesn’t budge. “You’re just gonna trap me here? But I don’t need anymore sleep.”  
  
  


Xukun’s head moves up and down in confirmation.  
  
  


“Stay with me.”  
  
  


So Zhengting does.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
4:32 PM.  
  
  


They’re at the park together. Miraculously, there’s no kids, or really anybody, asides from a small group of elders doing tai chi in the distance.  
  
  


Zhengting’s seated on a swing set with his feet touching the ground, lightly swaying back and forth as he shifts his weight back and forth. Xukun sits across from him, on the top of the ladder that connects to the rest of the play structure. He puts down his phone, rests it on his lap and takes out a polaroid camera from his bag and positions it to his eye. Zhengting notices and stills himself, posing for Xukun with a smile and a peace sign.  
  
  


There’s a click and a flash. Xukun waits for the film to roll out, then takes it and sets it on his lap to let it develop for a few minutes.  
  
  


Zhengting resumes swinging.  
  
  


Xukun picks up the picture again after a bit and grins. “I’m keeping this one,” he comments, and starts to unzip his backpack to put it away.  
  
  


“Wait, let me see it though! There’s no way I’m gonna let you keep pictures of me that I think are ugly." Zhengting reaches out and beckons for it.  
  
  


“I don’t think it’s possible for you to have bad pictures though. And I promise you that you look cute in this one."  
  
  


Zhengting tries to look serious. “You overestimate me. Come on, give it.”  
  
  


Xukun sighs but gives in. Zhengting takes the picture and inspects it.  
  
  


“I guess I look okay. I’ll be sure to get you better pictures in the future.”  
  
  


“Oh come on, you know you look good.”  
  
  


Zhengting only smiles in response, then grabs Xukun’s hand and pulls. The other is forced to give up his seat on the ladder and stumbles forward, then seats himself on the swing next to Zhengting.  
  
  


“What do you like about me?”  
  
  


Xukun raises his eyebrows. “And you say I ask too many questions.”  
  
  


“Shut up. This is my first."  
  
  


A laugh is Xukun’s response. “Okay, you’re not wrong. If I’m to start from the beginning, then I took interest the first day I arrived, when you were waiting for me in front of the university entrance. You were really attractive.”  
  
  


Zhengting swears he’s never going to be able to stop having a dumb smile around Xukun. “‘Were’? I’m still really attractive."  
  
  


“You know what I mean.”  
  
  


Xukun doesn't let Zhengting say anything else and continues.  
  
  


“But besides your appearance, your personality was also cute. You always take care of others and help people, though its clear you’ve got a set group of people you’re always loyal to and I’m glad I managed to become part of it. Though you can’t help people with calculations and that’s a bit of a downside but that’s why I’m here. You’re also usually confident which I like but these days you’ve gotten pretty shy… hm, but it’s okay I know why and I still like it.” He ends his statement with a wink and Zhengting sort of feels like hitting him (again) for that.  
  
  


Xukun gestures at him. “Your turn now.”  
  
  


Zhengting takes a minute to formulate his thoughts.  
  
  


“The first time you caught my attention was on the first day you came here as well. I thought you were, still are, really cute. And then you turn out to be one of the smartest people I’ve met yet you’re still really humble. And caring. Like how you help me with math without being a smug asshole like Yanjun usually is. You’ve got a strong mentality and you can take criticism easily, because you get a lot of that with your status. Just kind of hard on yourself though, but I'll help you get through that. I like everything about you."  
  
  


Xukun swings towards Zhengting and their legs gently knock against each. He’s got a smile on his face too. “I don’t really know how to respond to that."  
  
  


“Kiss me.”  
  
  


“Seems like you’re getting confident again.”  
  
  


Xukun obliges anyways.  
  
  


When they pull away Zhengting can feel himself start to think again.  
  
  


About how he wishes this would last forever. About how he’d wish time would stop.  
Especially with their situation. It's a game that's going well, it's in his favor, for now. He can't stop thinking about the end result.  
  
  


His chest feels like its sinking lower and lower with each thought.  
  
  


So he pulls in Xukun for another kiss to drown it all out. He focuses more on the lightness of Xukun’s lips and the other's hand that’s now pressing on his thigh for balance and feels the quickness of his heart and the warmth that surges through and it all so easily douses his worries.  
  
  


“Don’t we kind of kiss too much? It’s only been a few days. I don’t want you to get bored." Xukun tells him.  
  
  


“I don’t think I could ever be bored of you.”  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
9:58 PM.  
  
  


They’re in Zhengting’s dorm again. He’s laying on the couch and staring on the phone while Xukun sits in front of him on the floor with his laptop, his back sloped against the couch. Then Xukun leans back until his shoulders are pressing down on Zhengting’s head. He groans and feebly hits the other’s shoulder in response. His gesture of protest doesn’t do anything.  
  
  


“Let’s watch a horror movie.”  
  
  


Zhengting’s muffled response comes quick. “No.” If there’s something he absolutely despises, it’s that.  
  
  


“What, are you scared?”  
  
  


“Yes. Now get off before I suffocate, Kunkun."  
  
  


The pressure on his head disappears and Xukun’s face is suddenly centimeters away from his own, his chin resting on the edge of the couch.  
  
  


“Come _on_.”  
  
  


“No,” Zhengting’s almost whining now. “I really hate horror movies. And I didn’t expect you to be the type to like them as well.”  
  
  


“I mean, I don’t really like them, just impartial to them. But now I’m sort of in the mood for one.”  
  
  


“I don’t see why we’re disagreeing then. We both don’t like them. So I suspect that this is something opportunistic. If you want me to cling on to you I can do that without a horror movie.” Zhengting huffs.  
  
  


“Damn. Saw right through me. I still insist though. I’ll resort to blackmail if I need to,” Xukun teases.  
  
  


“How are you gonna blackmail me?”  
  
  


“I’ll only stay in your dorm tonight if we watch one."  
  
  


Zhengting groans again. Yeah, there’s no way he can give that up. “Okay, fine. You’re turning it off when I ask you to though."  
  
  


“But we have to be at least an hour into it.”  
  
  


“Fine."  
  
  


It’s as expected. Zhengting buys into all the jump scares, as predictable as they are, flinching every few minutes, his breath growing shallow at every scene of premonition. He eventually just decides to hide his face into Xukun’s chest and doesn’t look at the TV again. At that point Xukun decides to turn it off for his sake.  
  
  


“It’s only 58 minutes through but I guess I’ll round it up for you."  
  
  


Zhengting sighs into Xukun’s chest. “Thank god it’s over.”  
  
  


“Not even close. We didn’t even finish. And it wasn’t even that bad."  
  
  


“Whatever. Now you’re staying with me tonight.” He wraps his arms around Xukun’s neck and smiles when he feels the other lean into him.  
  
  


He hears a click. It sounds like the polaroid camera from earlier, and he looks up. Yeah, Xukun’s taken a picture of them together.  
  
  


“Take another one, ‘cause I want one too.”  
  
  


This time he’s looking at the camera and Xukun presses the button again.  
  
  


Zhengting tries not to think about anything else.  
  
  


But he’s happy that, at least in something, they’re permanently together.  
  
  


* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was hard for me to write with the (attempted) fluff and dialogue; not something I'm used to. Thank you Ani who helped me come up with ideas for scenarios in this (+ her music playlist which I listened to a lot while working on this since it captured the mood I wanted for this chapter haha).
> 
> I planned for the next chapter to be the last but now I'm not as sure if I can fit the rest of my plans for the story in just 1 more chapter; we'll see what happens.
> 
> I'm also working on another Zhengkun fic but it be angst with some more mature themes, so it's a of the bit opposite of this fic, but I hope some of you will consider checking it out when I post it!
> 
> Thank you again to everybody who read and showed their support through comments, kudos, or by reaching out to me twitter! Every single one of them is very much appreciated.


	6. Chapter 6

Classes resume and the project starts back up.  
  
  


They’re busy now but they’re busy together. The rest of the team poke fun of the way they seem to can’t ever separate, though neither of them can be bothered to react in the way they want to. It’s not like it’s false. The only times they’ll really be apart for prolonged periods are when they're in different class sessions.  
  
  


Otherwise, they don’t waste their time. After their classes they both immediately go to one of their dorms to work together, sometimes accompanied by a few others on the team (usually Linong or Ziyi, the rest complain that they can’t stomach the way Xukun and Zhengting look at each other) on homework assignments and project details (if the whole team’s cooperation isn’t needed) and Zhengting’s surprised by how productive they manage to be. He’d thought he’d be too distracted with Xukun but the other’s always kept a concentrated and diligent attitude towards their work that he found himself reciprocating.  
  
  


Ah, seriously. Zhengting really thinks Xukun’s basically perfect.  
  
  


“I really need you to stay. Not just because I’m romantically attracted to you and want to be with you but also because my grade needs it,” Zhengting tells Xukun as he’s staring at his newest exam from his bed. A 98% is marked at the top. It’s the second best score of his period when he checked the bulletin earlier during class. “It was been a while since I’ve gotten a score this good…I’ve moved up like five ranks this week. Thanks to my genius tutor.”  
  
  


Xukun looks up from his laptop. “I’m flattered, though you might be giving me too much credit.”  
  
  


“No, you’ve helped me with studying a lot this week, so it’s definitely the reason. Fuck, like I didn’t even know I was understanding these concepts incorrectly at first until you went through it with me.”  
  
  


“Just keep in mind there’s a difference between energy and power. And keep in mind Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle. And keep-“  
  
  


“Okay, thank you very much, no need to remind me that I’m dumb,” Zhengting interrupts. “Please let me enjoy my victory."  
  
  


Xukun smirks. “Not dumb, just forgetful. A bit careless when it comes to the simple technical stuff. Should also memorize the formulas more carefully.”  
  
  


“I really hate that you’re three years younger than me. I should be ashamed.”  
  
  


“It’s okay, the aspect of that age is directly tied to expertise is stupid anyways. I’m just a bit more meticulous, and also I try harder. If you are as well you’ll easily do better.”  
  
  


“Appreciate the reassurance. Now I shall enjoy this and never look back. At least until the next test. Oh, I wish the class could just end now that I’m in a very good spot.”  
  
  


A pillow is thrown at him and it lightly lands on his stomach. Zhengting immediately turns to glare at Xukun.  
  
  


“And you’re forgetting that the next test will be in a week. Back to work. I’ve already finished most of my homework, but you’ve still got yours.” He turns his gaze to Zhengting’s unopened backpack.  
  
  


Zhengting grabs the pillow and buries his face in it, a muffled groan eliciting from the depths of fabric. “End me.”  
  
  


“Now I _am_ about to pull the age card and talk about how I’m more responsible despite being younger.”  
  
  


“Okay, okay, I’ll get started. Only if you’re helping me."  
  
  


“Of course."  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Between classes, homework, and the project, they still force time during the week day where they can do something other than academics.  
  
  


The long hot afternoons of bulging heat and humidity during the school day go by unnoticed, since their summer comes to be in the expanses of cool dark early mornings of 1 or 2 or 3 AM, filled with soft breezes with the occasional star-dotted sky when the city smog clears up enough, chirping cicadas mellowing in their comfortable silences, tripping over curbs when they head outside for a walk because they can’t see too well in the darkness where it's not lit by the smoky street lamps but it’s okay because more often than not, they catch each other before they fall. And they usually settle back at the park, sitting on the swings, listening to music with a shared set of ear buds, at least until Zhengting swings out of sync and his earbud falls from him, but he quickly picks it back up and they spend as long as they want in each other’s presence out here. Sometimes, they even stay there until 5 AM, watching the sunrise break through, small shocks of orange and pink rushing into bleak dark vacancy above them, chased by the bright red sun.  
  
  


Or sometimes they want to go farther, and they take the subway to downtown, dancing and chasing each other through the usually empty car, since normal people are asleep at these hours, whirling around the seats and handrails, then stumbling in their steps when the subway arrives at a stop, but their energy resumes again when they’re in motion again, up until it’s their turn to get off. Beijing’s still busy, somehow, though far less in comparison to its glory during the day, because there closed shops and less pedestrians, though Zhengting and Xukun walk around without aim, letting their steps take them where ever, making small talk about both intelligent and dumb subjects, or personal and foreign ones. Sometimes they’ll come across a cafe that’s still miraculously open at these hours, and they’ll stop in to buy drinks before they venture out again into the luminous variants of fast modern skyscrapers and traditional pavilions, cars and scooters whizzing between.  
  
  


And sometimes they’ll just stay inside in one of their dorms to watch movies or play games, enjoying each other’s company in a more mellow space.  
  
  


And everyday, as expected, infinite discussions about the universe bounce back and forth between them. Not as whimsical as the expected cliche, after all they’re astrophysics majors, so the technics of galaxy formation and stellar dynamics are their topics of interest, but sometimes it turns sentimental as they circle back to the idea of how insignificant their place is in the universe. Though they don’t mind such a dawning aspect as they might have used to, since now they’ve found their own sort of universes in each other, where their significance is unmeasurable.  
  
  


And everyday they take a polaroid picture as a sort of routine, no matter what they did that night, whether it was particularly exciting or not, because all of it's worth documenting anyways so they can remember it later.  
  
  


As a result, they’re almost always lacking of sleep, though it’s not anything they’re not really used to, and both know that it’s worth it.  
  
  


On weekends they’re with the group of nine, so all of them can enjoy Xukun’s company for the time he has left, a loud and energetic group that’s sometimes hard to keep track of, but they all know to give him and Zhengting their own time at certain points.  
  
  


Zhengting doesn’t think about anything else in those moments.  
  
  


He just lives in the present like Xukun told him to.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Three weeks left.  
  
  


Zhengting’s been trying not to count down the time but it’s hard not to.  
  
  


In reality it’s actually quite a lot of time. Three weeks. 21 days. 504 hours.  
  
  


Still, not enough. Though no amount will probably will ever be enough for him, not when the number will eventually become zero anyways. But he tries not to think about it, like Xukun told him to. But he still does sometimes, just keeps it to himself.  
  
  


Anyways, it's not a good time to think about that. Not when the CNSA-Chinese National Space Administration- has taken special interest in their project. The energy in their department building suddenly became electrified, becoming as busy as the city of Beijing itself, students enthusiastically working day and night, running between rooms to discuss and check results and proposals, lights remaining on until 4 or 5 am, almost every whiteboard and chalkboard stained with numbers and hastily-drawn diagrams and charts. The diligence exhibited before appears lackluster in comparison to the situation now.  
  
  


Though Zhengting finds himself unable to requite a form of excitement as eager as everybody else’s, which includes Xukun.  
  
  


Not when everybody’s apprehensively looking forward to August 15th, when representatives are scheduled to visit to review the conclusions presented.  
  
  


Meanwhile, Zhengting dreads it. Because it’ll be a few days after Xukun takes his leave from China.  
  
  


He finds it funny how his feelings toward the aspect are rather bland, since he’s been wanting to work for China’s space program since he was young. It’s been the reason he’s pulled all-nighters throughout middle and high school, spent free hours in cram school classes, and prepared feverishly for the national exam during his last year of high school. To get into Beihang. Then CNSA. To contribute to space exploration.  
  
  


Like every student here. The path of their science hasn’t been easy and won’t ever be. But he doesn’t find himself as enthusiastic as the rest. He’s distracted.  
  
  


Because now he can only think about Xukun.  
  
  


He almost feels guilty about it. He wonders if he’s loosing his way.  
  
  


Not really. His grades aren’t slacking. Rather, he’s been at some of the best rankings he’s ever achieved with Xukun’s help.  
  
  


Ah. Who knows.  
  
  


All he knows is that the reality of time will constantly be thrust in his face with this new aspect, as everybody excited counts down the days until August 15th. And he doesn’t know how he can deal with the cutting juxtaposition of everybody else’s ferventness and his dismay.  
  
  


Damn.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


It’s inevitable, the feelings of forlornness and apprehension, even when Xukun holds Zhengting close and asks him to just forget about it.  
  
  


So he can’t help but start to act a bit distant, even though he knows he’ll end up regretting it and more importantly, that it’s really unfair to Xukun. But he has to manage a precarious balance of emotions- love enough so he can enjoy it, but not too far or else he’ll end up missing it too much.  
  
  


He’s not very good with balancing though. It’s either all one way or another. So now he finds himself heading towards the other extreme of the spectrum.  
  
  


But he’s desperate for some kind of third option, even if it won’t happen immediately, but at least something that’ll guarantee that he’ll be with Xukun again.  
  
  


So he asks.  
  
  


“Where do you plan to go, after all this?”  
  
  


“Back to California. I got accepted into Caltech, with scholarship.”  
  
  


“Then what?”  
  
  


“NASA, I hope.”  
  
  


“Stay in Beihang. Just enroll as a student. Stay in China. Stay with me.”  
  
  


“I… I want to so very badly, but I don’t have the money to live here.”  
  
  


Zhengting doesn’t respond. Silence envelops the air between them.  
  
  


So Xukun counters. “Come to America with me.”  
  
  


“I can’t afford it either, and my English is poor.”  
  
  


This time Xukun doesn’t say anything. Zhengting continues, grasping for any other option. “Can’t you extend your duration here for the exchange program any longer? Even for just another week… anything.”  
  
  


“I don’t have control over that. And my own school semester starts not too far after I get back to the US.”  
  
  


“Then what about the future?”  
  
  


“Well, if you’re on your way to CNSA and I’m aiming for NASA... we’ll definitely never cross paths then, since the agencies are forbidden to work together because of country relations. Even if I wanted to transfer once I had enough money to move to China… would they even accept me? I’d be from an ‘enemy’ agency… but I mean, who knows?” Xukun tries to sound optimistic, but it’s not effective. Because he knows Xukun probably couldn’t, and he really shouldn’t transfer to CNSA from NASA, especially not when NASA’s the biggest and most important space agency in the world. He shouldn't downgrade agencies.  
  
  


Zhengting exhales with defeat. He almost wants to tell Xukun to drop it all, to not leave China, to not go to NASA, to not pursue astrophysics, if things will have be this way. But he knows he can’t. He knows the extent of work Xukun’s poured into this path- no, what they both poured to get where they are. Neither of them can just drop it and undo all of their years of efforts for something as simple as a relationship.  
  
  


The realization stings. He feels like his heart’s dropped down to his stomach.  
  
  


“We can… try out long distance through text messages and video calls.” Xukun makes an attempt to sound positive but both of them can see through it.  
  
  


“It won’t ever be enough though.”  
  
  


“I know… we can at least try though.”  
  
  


“So, what we have, can only ever be a summertime romance.”  
  
  


Xukun doesn’t respond, move, or even look at him. Like he’s afraid that any kind of motion would be a gesture of confirmation.  
  
  


So Zhengting continues, even though it’s painful to put it into words, but he’s overflowing with his thoughts and needs to spill it all out.  
  
  


“Isn’t it unfortunate? We have the same dream, but we can’t reach it together."  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“I get that you need some time and space to think things out, but it’s been days now. I miss you."  
  
  


Zhengting’s outside, seated on a bench and soaking up sunlight, taking a break from staring at the computer screen for hours. Xukun comes to sit next to him in the quietness.  
  
  


“I wonder if you said ‘time and space’ intentionally as some kind of pun,” Zhengting replies, trying to sound light-hearted, though he knows it doesn’t work. The atmosphere feels off between them and his tone turns forlorn out to match what he actually feels when he speaks again. "I know, it’s not right, it’s not fair to you, but I don’t know what to do.”  
  
  


“You can just talk it out with me, you know?”  
  
  


“I know, but at the same time I don’t know really what to talk about, because we both already know what’s wrong."  
  
  


“Do you regret this?”  
  
  


Zhengting tenses up his hands in agitation, because he feels like Xukun’s getting the wrong idea with that question. “No way. I guess I just didn’t prepare enough for what would happen later, so now I’m acting a bit out of it."  
  
  


“Would it be better if I make you fall out of love with me?”  
  
  


Xukun’s tone is gentle, but his words further Zhengting’s frustration. That’s not what he wanted to hear, and he doesn’t like that Xukun was even thinking about it. Even though he knows Xukun means it as a solution to help him from his internal turmoil.  
  
  


Though he thinks about it. Maybe it would be better to cut off his attachment.  
  
  


But he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t think it’s possible either.  
  
  


“No. You’re interpreting this wrong, I’m not trying to push you away, and I don’t want to. Just wait a little longer for me, I need only maybe another day or two. I’ll come back."  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


As he said, after another day Zhengting does come back. They accompany each other and share intimacy again, though now they’re not as full of the blind bliss that they’ve been maintaining before. There’s a sense of sadness between them. Because reality is drawing closer.  
  
  


Two weeks.  
  
  


Tomorrow is Xukun’s last day of having to attend classes. He ended off strong, rank one in almost all subjects, though nobody’s surprised.  
  
  


Zhengting’s proud of him, of course, but he’s unable to be as happy as he wants to be for him.  
  
  


But Xukun understands.  
  
  


Now they’re in Zhengting’s room, sitting at his desk. He’s leaning over his textbook, attempting to read the pages, but he’s more just blankly staring at the words, because none of their meaning is reaching his brain.  
  
  


Xukun looks up from his phone. “You haven’t flipped a page in 20 minutes. Everything okay?”  
  
  


“No, not really.”  
  
  


“Am I distracting you?”  
  
  


“Yes. Both at the moment and also in a broader context that doesn’t need to be specified because we both already know. But even so, I’d prefer you to say, and in both contexts.”  
  
  


Xukun reaches for Zhengting’s hand. “Well, I can’t help you with reading, but I still want you to be productive since you’ve still got class, so do you have something else you need to do? Something with math so if I can actually provide help when you need it.”  
  
  


Zhengting reaches for his binder and flips to a section. “N-body formulation, then. It’s alright for the most part I guess but I’ll need help with the three-body problem."  
  
  


So he switches from his textbook to this assignment, turning to Xukun whenever he’s stuck, who easily alleviates his difficulties.  
  
  


Until Zhengting suddenly feels himself feeling too much. He’s surprised at how pessimistic he’s been feeling. He puts down his pencil and spins his chair so he’s directly facing Xukun and leans until his head is resting on the other’s shoulder.  
  
  


“I’m tired.”  
  
  


“Well, you’ve worked hard and now you’re about done.”  
  
  


Zhengting’s voice grows even quieter. “This really isn’t fair. I really need you here, for more reasons than just this, but you’re going to leave. And don’t tell me to just pretend, it’s not working anymore.”  
  
  


He feels Xukun’s chest dilate in a sigh and feels the other's arms wrap around his shoulders. “Yeah, you’re right. Maybe I’ve been delusional for too long."  
  
  


“No, you were just trying to make this month enjoyable for us."  
  
  


“And I wish it could continue into the next few weeks but I get that it’s going to be harder. Though, we should still try, I don’t want to leave with sad memories.”  
  
  


“I’ll try. I want you to remember the happy times."  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Xukun’s sick the next day.  
  
  


When Zhengting saw him in the morning, all pained and flushed, he was reluctant to leave his side for classes, but as responsible as ever, Xukun insisted that Zhengting go so he wouldn’t be late and that the other could take care of himself for a few hours until he could come back.  
  
  


The day went by quickly with nothing particularly eventful happening and without much being added to his workload, thankfully. Not that Zhengting was able to pay much attention anyways, too worried about Xukun. So he immediately headed to Xukun's dorm after to take care of him, asking the rest of the team to cover for his portion of the project today. And when he had walked in Xukun was in bed, body temperature nearing a fever, and Zhengting immediately went to prepare him food and medicine. After he had made sure that yes, Xukun was only suffering from a fever and that it wasn't anything serious, he couldn't help but poke fun at him a bit.  
  
  


“I can’t believe you got sick in the summer, when it’s not cold in the slightest,” he teases while wringing out a damp towel and walks over Xukun’s bed to press it to his forehead.  
  
  


Xukun sighs. “You really sound like my mom right now. I really don’t get what’s with Chinese people and their irrational phobia of the cold; it’s not the sole blame for health problems."  
  
  


“You’re Chinese too, Kunkun.” Zhengting huffs and taps the other’s cheek as a retort.  
  
  


Xukun musters a grin of amusement. “Difference is that I spent most of my life in America so I didn’t catch on to all these Chinese superstitions and the random weird beliefs. I remember once I woke up with a sore neck, and my mom told me the solution was to hit my pillow that day before I went to sleep again. You can’t tell me that that actually makes sense.”  
  
  


“Okay, you’re right, that one is kind of dumb. Then why do you think you got sick?"  
  
  


“I dunno really. The shift in air quality has finally took its toll. Overworking a bit with all the CNSA fuss. Maybe the stress has finally caught up to me. The prolonged period of sleep deprivation. Or maybe it’s all of it."  
  
  


“Now you’re going to make me feel bad, because I feel like I contributed then.”  
  
  


Xukun reaches up to rub his arm in reassurance. “No, it’s okay. I highly doubt it’s anything connected to you and even if it was it’s not solely your fault because I made those decisions consciously too. Anyways, it’s good that I got sick during my break so I don’t have to be absent from any school or project responsibilties."  
  
  


“But now you can’t enjoy all of your break to the fullest,” Zhengting points out. Now he really feels bad for him.  
  
  


Xukun smiles. “It’s okay, I didn’t really plan to do anything really interesting. I just wanted to stay here and be in your company, and I can still get that even when I’m sick."  
  
  


Zhengting sort of wants to scold Xukun but he can’t help but smile back with endearment. “Ah, seriously, that’s a terrible plan. I could have just spent the weekends with you at the least, but you could do a lot more in your last two weeks than waste it on campus when you’ve already been in here for almost three months."  
  
  


He feels Xukun reach for his hand as he’s speaking.  
  
  


"But I’m glad you’d rather just be with me."  
  
  


* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, sorry about the wait for this chapter. I got pretty busy and I was trying to make Ch. 6 the last chapter (because I'm really picky with numbers and I really wanted it to end on an even number) but it got really long, so I just caved in last minute and decided to split it. So Ch. 7 will be the last one instead (maybe). And hopefully the wait for that one will not be as long.
> 
> I know I say this at the end of every chapter but it still holds constant: a huge thank you to those that have supported me by giving kudos or giving me feedback in any form. Also just thank you to those that just took their time read. I hope that most of you enjoyed it. :]
> 
> As usual, please do feel free to reach out to me on Twitter: @baifenzhi9


	7. Chapter 7

The next day Xukun’s condition worsens and Zhengting starts to get worried.  
  
  
He’s also mad at himself, because he doesn’t understand how Xukun could have gotten worse under his care.  
  
  
“Zhengting, you gotta stop blaming yourself. It’s not like fevers can be erased overnight so easily anyways,” Xukun tells him from his bed.  
  
  
“Okay, okay, I’ll stop. It’s probably not helping you to see me all agitated.”  
  
  
“Exactly.”  
  
  
He brings another glass of water to him and puts his hand to Xukun’s forehead again. Still burning. Of course. It’s not like his few attempts this morning could suddenly make it disappear, even if he put the most utmost care into preparing Xukun’s food and medicine again.  
  
  
“What time is it?”  
  
  
“7:55.”  
  
  
“You should get going to your classes then. Thanks for waking up at 6:00, which is an impressive feat for you, and taking care of me.”  
  
  
Zhengting doesn’t respond, just rolls his seat closer to Xukun’s bed and leans down to rest his head on the other’s chest and sighs. He listens to the quickness Xukun’s heartbeat and breathing pattern and how they both simultaneously start to uneven a few moments after his touch. He smiles to himself, glad that he’s able to affect Xukun the same way the other affects him and he decides that he doesn’t want to move, watching the clock on Xukun’s table count to 8:00. Officially the beginning of class. But he’s not present. And he doesn’t plan to be.  
  
  
“Are you not going to go?”  
  
  
“Nope.”  
  
  
“Zhengting…” Xukun still manages to sound stern when his voice is strained and hoarse from all his coughing.  
  
  
“Nope, not going.”  
  
  
“It’ll affect your grades and credit.”  
  
  
“Now you’re the one sounding like a mom. And it’s not official grades."  
  
  
“It’s still important. And I’m just looking out for you. ”  
  
  
Zhengting lifts his head up, and looks at Xukun. “And I’m not?” He exhales, transitioning his tone from playful to one more serious. “I know you mean well, you always do, though you should let me have a turn. Because I don’t even care about classes at this point, you know? You’re leaving in two weeks, and I’d much rather spend our remaining time left over with you, especially now that you’re sick because now you need to depend on someone and I want it to be me. Even if doing so means I’ll fall behind, but I really could hardly care less, because I can make it up later, but I can’t make up any time with you."  
  
  
Silence ensues after that, but Xukun’s expression tells him everything and Zhengting grins at him in reassurance before he leans in to kiss him.  
  
  
“Don’t do that, I don’t want you to get sick too.”  
  
  
“After I said all of that, you think I still care about such unimportant things?”  
  
  
Xukun half laughs and half coughs. “Okay, fine. Your health isn’t unimportant though, but I get it. And I don’t know what you’ll do today, I’ll mostly be sleeping.”  
  
  
“That’s okay, as long as I’m there when you wake up and need help. And I’ll just catch up... on the homework I didn’t do.” He looks at Xukun with mischief, anticipating his reaction.  
  
  
Xukun looks like he’s about to reprimand him but then seems to give in with defeat and his expression changes into exasperation while he sighs. “You procrastinated?” Zhengting shrugs with ambivalence.  
  
  
“Well, not even procrastinate, I straight up didn’t do it. And it’s more because I just got lazy.” _And worried._ But he doesn’t say anything more.  
  
  
Another sigh from Xukun. “I’m gone for one day because I’m sick and you start to slack off. I really don’t know what you’ll do without me."  
  
  
And Zhengting immediately starts to think about how such a dilemma isn’t worth thinking about since it’s unlikely they’ll see each other again in the near future anyways.  
  
  
No, not again.  
  
  
He suppresses the thought.  
  
  
Don’t ruin this. Just keep pretending that a deadline doesn’t exist.  
  
  
He smiles again, reaching out to run his fingers through Xukun’s hair.  
  
  
“Yeah, I need you, like how you need me."  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Third day of Xukun being sick.  
  
  
“Are you better yet?”  
  
  
Xukun finishes the rest of his soup before answering. “Getting there.”  
  
  
“I miss kissing you.”  
  
  
Xukun laughs and coughs at the same time. “You did it once yesterday. But didn’t you say you didn’t care about getting sick?”  
  
  
“But didn’t you say that my health isn’t unimportant? You’re right though, I don’t care.” Zhengting teases back and leans in to kiss him, then breaks away and pulls him into an embrace.  
  
  
Xukun’s voice is slightly muffled against Zhengting’s shoulder when he asks another question. “Are you going to go to class today?”  
  
  
“Nope.”  
  
  
“Good.”  
  
  
Oh.  
  
  
That’s unexpected.  
  
  
Zhengting suddenly finds it really hard to stop smiling.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
On the fourth day Xukun’s condition has improved to essentially the intensity of a minor cold.  
  
  
“Please go to class today. I’m very able to take care of myself. Just do it for my sake, okay?”  
  
  
Zhengting obliges because he can tell Xukun really means it this time. Even though he really doesn’t want to.  
  
  
He sort of wishes Xukun wasn’t so responsible sometimes, but at the same time Zhengting's glad that he’s still looking out for him.  
  
  
Yeah.  
  
  
He likes how they balance each other out.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
“So you’re finally better. What’re you going to do now for the rest of break?”  
  
  
“First of all, I’m astonished that you woke up at 6:00 five days in a row. Though I don’t appreciate you doing it today. I would have to liked to sleep in, especially since my immune system just finished a battle. I need rest.” Xukun rubs his eyes and groans, then closes them again.  
  
  
“You've slept for at least 15 hours for the past few days, it’s fine."  
  
  
“No, it’s not,” Xukun pouts, and Zhengting really thinks it’s too cute. "Anyways, to answer your question, I dunno. I’ll waste time on the internet and read stuff until you and the others are back from class. And then I’ll stay in the cubicles with you guys and still help out with the project."  
  
  
Zhengting switches from the rolling chair to the edge of the bed and reaches out to caress the other's hair, who immediately opens his eyes, smiling, and leans closer to him.  
  
  
“What if, let’s say, I skip again today?” He tilts his head and tries to make his voice as sweet as an attempt to persuade the other by means of affection.  
  
  
Xukun’s gaze immediately snaps to his as he utters a cold “No.”  
  
  
As expected. Of course Xukun wouldn’t accept that so simply. But Zhengting won’t give in so easily either. “You can’t make me. I’m still doing it.”  
  
  
Xukun sighs, his expression full of exasperation, brows furrowed and lips in a tight line. Something that Zhengting has seen rather often these past mornings.  
  
  
“I know, I know you really want to be with me, and as do I, but I can’t help but worry about how skipping so much will impact you in the future. Especially with the CNSA project that’s going on right now. That’s big, Zhengting, and really important. I really don’t think you should skip your work on that, even for me.”  
  
  
But Zhengting can feel a sense of vacillation behind Xukun’s words. He knows that Xukun probably wants him to stay, but he’s trying to put Zhengting before him.  
  
  
Again, he’s as responsible as ever.  
  
  
“I wish you would take your own advice. You told me to not think about the future, right? You told me to just live presently and enjoy our time. So there’s no need to worry about me, I’ll handle the future consequences on my own time. But right now, I value the time I have left with you over my academic responsibilities. And you can’t change my mind. Really. I don’t want to argue over this anymore.”  
  
  
Xukun’s expression looks conflicted, like he wants to give in but there’s something holding him back. Then he sighs again, like he finally has. “I’ll really feel bad though…”  
  
  
“Then ‘just don’t think about it,’ remember?"  
  
  
“Are you sure, then?”  
  
  
“Yes.”  
  
  
Another pause. Xukun looks like he’s still contemplating.  
  
  
“Fine.” And suddenly he tugs on Zhengting’s arm, and making him stumble down on to the bed while pulling him closer.  
  
  
“Then you can sleep in with me, because I’m still tired."  
  
  
Zhengting laughs and readjusts himself so he’s under the covers.  
  
  
“Okay.”  
  
  
“Don’t regret this, okay?”  
  
  
Zhengting thinks the only thing he could ever end up regretting was not skipping class to be with him instead.  
  
  
“How could I?”  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
The next evening Zhengting’s driven them out from the city, closer to the countryside. They stop in an area a little ways astray from the road, an unoccupied grassland surrounded by farming villages in the distance. The dark blue hues of nighttime dotted and warped by stars has almost engulfed the orange refractions of the sun.  
  
  
They both step out of the car. Zhengting opens the back door and from it presents the optical tube of a refractor telescope, then unfolds a three-legged mount and swiftly connects the two parts together, adjusting the counterweights and bolts as needed.  
  
  
“So, we’re going to see some real stars today. No smog, no light pollution out here. Just hundreds of luminous plasma spheroids light years away.”  
  
  
Xukun grins. “Glad to finally get the chance."  
  
  
They settle on top of the hood of the car, telescope right in front, taking turns looking through it and helping each other map out and set up reference points in the absolute darkness in front of them, starting out with the brightest stars, then from those identifying angular distances to follow the expected patterns to pinpoint other, less bright stars. In about an hour they’ve located the majority of notable constellations and stars and identified certain planets, like how one may look at a world map and identify all the countries they know. The sky’s as familiar to them as their neighborhoods.  
  
  
Zhengting lays down, stretching out his arms, and stares up at the sky with unaided eyes, this time just looking at the stars collectively as a whole. He thinks about which ones have already died, or which ones are dying, and if what he’s seeing are only the remnants of their past images that took thousands of lightyears to reach the Earth, or which ones are still determinedly burning bright. If he concentrates he can see a slight tint of blue or red on certain stars that indicates their temperature, and make out the light wisps of the Milky Way galaxy that connects the stars against the vacant dark backdrop of space, while the soft ticks of crickets nearby and the whish of the wind blowing through the grass permeate the silence.  
  
  
He hasn’t been able to go out like this and enjoy the universe like this in a while.  
  
  
It’s still as breathtaking as before.  
  
  
Even more so with Xukun here.  
  
  
He wishes that time could stop here for a while.  
  
  
“You know, in moments like these, when everything seems so perfect, I really can’t believe the universe is a mistake,” Zhengting says.  
  
  
“It’s an interesting way of putting it, but you’re right. The universe was supposed to destroy itself in its cycle of matter and energy conversion it’s early stage."  
  
  
“With the supposed equivalent amounts of matter and antimatter particles produced canceling each other out.“  
  
  
“But then there was that one particle of extra matter that for some reason wasn’t eliminated.”  
  
  
“And that turned into the universe as we know it.”  
  
  
“From imperfect origins to perfect present,” Xukun finishes.  
  
  
Zhengting raises his eyebrows at him. “Still imperfect,” he counters. "There’s so many inconsistencies in the universe.”  
  
  
“I see it as temporary. Those inconsistencies are explainable, we just don’t know enough yet. Nature likes to follow math. Our equations just aren’t good enough to account for all of it at the moment, but we’re getting there. We’re gonna get to a ’theory of everything,’ eventually.”  
  
  
“Are you planning to be the one that’ll come up with it one day?”  
  
  
“I’m not genius enough, and I probably would need more than one lifespan.” Xukun laughs. “It’ll take a long time for new discoveries to be made that’ll help explain the ‘whys.’"  
  
  
“But you'll still be contributing to solve all the mysteries out there. Like gravitational anomalies.”  
  
  
“That’s a hard one. Deviations due to unexpected accumulations of mass. Like dark matter. Black holes.”  
  
  
“What about on Earth?”  
  
  
“I don’t know then.”  
  
  
Zhengting smiles to himself. He doesn't know why he's thinking this, but says it anyways. “I think we’re a gravitational anomaly.”  
  
  
Xukun laughs. “That’s random. How so?"  
  
  
“Well, I mean, we’re inexplicably attracted to each other, and as a result we bend our orbits and routines, like how I’m skipping class for you.”  
  
  
“Sounds like normal gravity. How’s it an anomaly?”  
  
  
Zhengting takes a deep breath before he responds. He knows, he knows he shouldn’t talk about it, but he can’t contain it in anymore.  
  
  
“Because you’re ultimately going to be pulled far away from me, all the way across the world. So maybe we shouldn’t be attracted to each other, because it just doesn’t end up working, but we are."  
  
  
He waits for Xukun to tell him to stop thinking but it never comes. The other just looks at him with sentiment.  
  
  
Yeah.  
  
  
The reality is apparent to both of them now. Xukun’s not even trying to mask it anymore. But he reaches for Zhengting’s hand.  
  
  
“It’ll going to be okay. The universe has its ways.”  
  
  
Zhengting doesn’t think that he believes it but does anyway.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Five days left.  
  
  
Zhengting still hasn’t gone back to class at all. He scrolls past the emails from his professors and the text messages from some of his classmates whenever he sees them pop up on his phone with disinterest. And Xukun doesn’t say any a word about it.  
  
  
There’s a sinking feeling in Zhengting's chest that’s developed, but every time he just pushes it to the back of his mind. Tries to ignore it. Pretend it’s not making him miserable.  
  
  
It doesn’t really work but he forces it to for Xukun.  
  
  
Maybe he’ll just get used to it.  
  
  
He doesn’t.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Eventually it becomes almost unbearable for Zhengting to be alone with Xukun. He feels like he’s already missing him, even though he hasn’t left.  
  
  
So Zhengting invites over the rest of the team to hangout when they’re done with their classes. The project goes on hold for those few days, and their instructors allow it, understanding the situation that they’re in: that one of their dear teammates is going to leave, so they should be able to spend some of the last few days with him.  
  
  
The chemistry between them is much more spirited and upbeat with the nine of them together, teasing and laughter going back and forth every minute.  
  
  
Today is no different. From the side, Zhengting watches Xukun laugh as Linkai suddenly trips and falls as they play basketball out at 12 AM, and he finds himself smiling as well along with Zhangjing and Linong, who also decided to sit out this game. The team of Xukun, Linkai, and Chengcheng scores another point against Ziyi, Yanjun, and Justin, officially winning. Justin protests for a rematch, and Yanjun quickly shuts him down, telling him to “have mercy on us elders, we aren’t as energetic as teenagers like you.” So they come to the side to rest, wiping at the sweat on their necks. Zhengting hands Xukun a cold water bottle as he walks over to sit next to him.  
  
  
“I don’t get one?” Chengcheng asks with exaggerated indignation.  
  
  
Zhengting’s about to retrot with “Of course not" when Zhangjing interjects with “No, ‘cause you’re not his boyfriend” and the rest burst into smothered laughter.  
  
  
He’s unable to conjure a response but Xukun does it for him. “Yep, I’m pretty lucky to be with him,” he states casually.  
  
  
“Ah seriously, you’re all so annoying,” Zhengting huffs, but he has the biggest smile on his face.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Two days.  
  
  
Zhengting’s sitting on Xukun’s bed, watching him starting to begin to pack his suitcase to go back to America. He knows he should probably help. But he’s unable to muster any sort of strength or will to do so, like merely observing has sapped all of his energy. His body feels too burdened to even move.  
  
  
“I really wish time would stop,” he says out of spontaneity, voice soft.  
  
  
Xukun pauses folding his clothes and looks up. His expression is first conflicted, but changes to be cautiously teasing as he responds. “That’s really a terrible idea. If you stop time, you'd also stop photons from bouncing off objects and reaching your eyes. You won’t be able to see anything but complete blackness, so what’d be the point of doing so?”  
  
  
Zhengting can’t help but break into a grin and he throws a pillow at Xukun in mock anger. “Can you not be an annoying technical physics student right now? This is a very sentimental matter."  
  
  
“You seem to like to be depressed or something though, so I’m just trying to be annoying to lighten up the mood.”  
  
  
Clearly, it’s been working. Zhengting thinks about how he’s actually been unable to stop smiling these past few days despite the fact that they’re closer than ever to Xukun’s departure.  
  
  
He sighs with wistful mirth.  
  
  
“I’m really going to miss you.”  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Last day.  
  
  
The rest stop by to hang out with Zhengting and Xukun for a few hours before they took off to attend to their own matters, as they claim. But Zhengting thinks it’s because they know that he and Xukun would want more time together, alone. Maybe they’re not as completely obnoxious as he thought.  
  
  
Anyways, Zhengting’s having a hard time not being depressed.  
  
  
7:14 PM.  
  
  
Sun is starting to set. Its golden rays bathe everything with a tint of orange and yellow.  
  
  
They’re at the park again. It’s as empty as before except for a few elders conversing in the clearing. Xukun makes his way up on the climbing frame and sits on the ledge, the soft breeze ruffling his hair, staring towards the direction of the sun as it stains the colors of the sky with saffron and crimson. A few steps away, Zhengting sits at the bottom of a slide.  
  
  
“I really don’t want to go.”  
  
  
Zhengting doesn’t respond. Doesn’t trust his voice to not break. He exhales sharply and concentrates even more on the sky.  
  
  
Xukun drops down and walks over, crouching down. He gently pokes at Zhengting’s cheek. “It’s a waste being so troubled when it's such a nice day today. Skies are clear with a soft breeze so it feels nice and temperate."  
  
  
“It’s for you. The universe wants you to have a good last day here.”  
  
  
Xukun smiles. “Then I’d also appreciate it if the universe made you slightly less sad.”  
  
  
“I’m sorry. But it’s hard."  
  
  
Xukun leans over and hugs Zhengting, who melts into his warmth and familiar scent, the gesture assuaging the pricks of sadness.  
  
  
“It’s okay.”  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Back at Xukun’s dorm.  
  
  
Zhengting watches him finish packing up. The room is now barren. Too barren. His books, papers, clothes, snack wrappers, hundreds of pens, thousands of post-it notes of reminders, endless streams of electronic wires are all gone. The whiteboards are completely erased, his work of numbers and graphs and diagrams gone. All that's left is the standard furniture. It’s almost like he was never here in the first place.  
  
  
Except for the polaroid film pictures that they took. They still sit on the desk. Xukun walks over to them.  
  
  
“Time for us to allocate these."  
  
  
Zhengting takes a look at each one and emotion starts welling up inside his throat. Scenes run in his mind like a recording of the exact moment when they took each picture: at the park, on the subway, on the city sidewalks, in their dorms, in the cubicle, in the lab room, everywhere they went together.  
  
  
It all happened within the past month, yet it feels like far longer than that.  
  
  
He looks at Xukun, who's expression seems equally moved. “Damn. I didn’t expect it to feel like this, seeing our memories all in one place like this,” he voices.  
  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
  
They spend the rest of the night looking at the pictures and reminiscing of the recent past that somehow feels like it all took place years ago, smiles and laughter and occasionally tears coming and going between them.  
  
  
They seem to revert the childhood belief that a new day only comes after one sleeps and so they stay up as long as they can, trying to create an illusion that they’re stretching out the day, even into the hours of 4 AM.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Next morning.  
  
  
The rest of the team bade their farewells to Xukun at the university entrance, hugs and handshakes and “You better come back soon!” exchanged between them. Then Xukun’s taxi arrived, and Zhengting went along with him, insisting that he wanted to accompany him all the way to the airport. The ride was silent. Zhengting had his head on Xukun’s shoulder the entire time, their hands entwined, and he really wished that time would just stop.  
  
  
“We’re here.”  
  
  
Xukun unloads his suitcase from the back and they walk in the wide glass doors. The airport’s brimming with people, loud steps echoing off walls and luggage rolling on the ground and the constant background humming of people talking. But all of that seems to fade when they come to face each other.  
  
  
“So this is it?” Zhengting can already feel his voice breaking.  
  
  
Yes.  
  
  
This is it.  
  
  
The hollowness in his chest is rapidly expanding with each second. Each second closer to Xukun’s flight time. He feels like he can’t breathe.  
  
  
Xukun takes a deep breath, chest heaving. “Yeah. It’s been a good three months.”  
  
  
“It has."  
  
  
Their hands unconsciously link together. The back of Zhengting’s eyes feel hot. He can feel the tears. Goddamnit. He told himself he wasn’t going to cry.  
  
  
“Before you go,” he continues, emotion clearly clouding his words, but he doesn’t have the concentration or care to hide it anymore. “Can you tell me what we were?”  
  
  
Yeah. Because they never really labeled what their relationship was themselves. Zhengting doesn’t know exactly why. Probably because they were too scared to, since the chances of it remaining isn’t very high. But now, he wants to know.  
  
  
“What we were?”  
  
  
“Were we together? Like boyfriends?”  
  
  
Xukun’s smile is bittersweet. “We’re whatever you want us to be."  
  
  
Ah.  
  
  
So he still doesn’t want to label it. Zhengting wipes at the tear that somehow dropped down to his cheek, and then feels Xukun reach out to wipe at the other eye, and slight smile forms on his lips at the touch.  
  
  
That’s fine then.  
  
  
They don’t need a label. They already know what’s between them.  
  
  
Zhengting glances at the light board. 47 minutes left until his flight starts boarding. And Xukun still isn’t even near the gate. He still probably has a lot of lines he needs to get through and he still has to check-in too.  
  
  
Yeah. He can’t hold him up any longer.  
  
  
Time to let go.  
  
  
Zhengting steps forward and they kiss. It’s so tender that he starts crying more. When they pull away he tries to hide it by laughing, but it doesn’t work.  
  
  
“No, no, don’t cry.” Xukun pulls him in for a hug. It lasts for a long time. Thirty seconds, one minute, one minute and a half. Zhengting feels like he’s going to become consumed by all his emotions, so he takes deep breaths to calm himself down, and leans closer into Xukun, taking in his scent, warmth for the last time. He listens to the way their heart beats seem to sync and smiles. Then painfully pulls away. It feels like a piece of his heart is separating from him, and it is, because he gave it to Xukun. And now he’s leaving.  
  
  
“You’ve only got like 43 minutes to make it to the gate… It’s time to go now.”  
  
  
Xukun takes a deep breath. “Yeah… okay. So, I’ll see you next time?”  
  
  
Zhengting doesn’t know when that is. In the near future? Far future? One year, three years, five?  
  
  
Who knows what “next time” is.  
  
  
But he musters a smile and forces it through.  
  
  
“Yeah. I’ll see you next time.”  
  
  
Xukun releases Zhengting’s hand and replaces his hold on the handle of his suitcase instead.  
  
  
The words “I love you” are on the tip of Zhengting's tongue.  
  
  
But they don’t come out. He doesn’t know if there’s a point in saying that now.  
  
  
“I’m really glad that I met you this summer.”  
  
  
“I’m glad, too."  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
9,571 kilometers away from each other, their relationship through their digital screens begin.  
  
  
It starts with frequent video calls and texts.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
_How was your day today?  
  
  
I moved in with my two roommates. They seem chill so seems like I’ll live through this year fine.  
  
  
Don’t cheat on me with either of them, Kunkun.  
  
  
Oh, no way.  
  
  
I’m trusting you on that.  
  
  
_

_\---_

_What time is it over there for you?  
  
  
3:00 AM.  
  
  
Oh, fuck. I’ll let you sleep then.  
  
  
No, no, it’s okay. I want to talk to you.  
  
  
Okay.  
  
  
_

_\---_

_I miss you.  
  
  
I miss you too.  
  
  
When will I see you again?  
  
  
I don’t know yet. But keep waiting for me, yeah?  
  
  
Of course. I’ll wait, as long as you will wait for me too.  
  
  
_

* * *

  
  
  
Then it starts to fade.  
  
  
They both become busier as their school year progresses, homework and projects and internships piling high, while the effects of a timezone difference of 15 hours become prominent. It becomes more difficult to find the intervals where both of them are awake and aren’t in the middle of a class without one of them having to sacrifice sleep.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
__

_Wednesday, November 9th_

_  
[10:57:12 PM] Zhengting: It’s been a while since we’ve called, when can we talk again?  


Sunday, November 13th

  
[04:48:11 AM] Xukun: Sorry, I’ve been busy these past few days, lot of exams coming up.  
[04:48:15 AM] Xukun: If you're there, how about now?  


Thursday, November 17th

  
[07:16:32 PM] Zhengting: Ah sorry, I didn't see your text. I haven’t been on social media for a while, pretty busy as well.  
[07:16:39 PM] Zhengting: Maybe some other time then._

__

_  
_

\---

_  
_

_Ah, well it’s been a while. But finally, we can talk.  
  
  
Yeah. I miss you.  
  
  
I miss you too.  
  
  
How have you been?  
  
  
Stressed. Lot of projects coming out of no where. Getting into a lot of theoretical topics now, and it’s crazy hard but crazy interesting. Kind of overwhelming but I'll manage. How about you?  
  
  
Same here. I’m working a lot in the lab now too, so much planning and checking before my team can even get close to the machinery.  
  
  
Ah, sounds intriguing though. But yeah, seems like neither of us can ever catch a break. I’ve barely even touched my phone in the past weeks.  
  
  
I wish you were here with me.  
  
  
I wish I was there too— and fuck, I’m really sorry.  
  
  
What’s wrong?  
  
  
I gotta go. Need to check up on something. Like right now. They won't let me hold up any longer.  
  
  
Oh, yeah. It’s still normal hours for you, yeah? 5:08 PM, I think.  
  
  
Yeah. Sorry that you woke up at 2 AM and we could barely talk. At least you can go back to sleep now..  
  
  
It’s okay. I’m just happy to hear your voice, really.  
  
  
_

_\---_

__

_Friday, December 26th_

_  
[04:43:28 AM] Xukun: Hey, it’s been a few weeks since the last time we’ve communicated at all.  
[04:43:34 AM] Xukun: Hope you’re doing good. I know you’re working hard over there.  
[04:43:41 AM] Xukun: I know they don’t celebrate Christmas in China, but America we do, so Merry Christmas, Zhengting  
[04:43:47 AM] Xukun: I’m on winter break, but not really because I still gotta keep working; astrophysics is really tough shit.  
[04:43:53 AM] Xukun: Gotta do what you gotta do to make it though._

__

 

__

* * *

  
  
  


After another seven months, their relationship withering with each day, eventually it all stops.  
  
  
They're just too busy and too far apart, in both matters of time and distance.  
  
  
Yeah. It's just much easier to not reach out. To not have to wait for a reply that'll come days, maybe even weeks late. To not cling on to something that's clearly slipping away.  
  
  
There is no _“This isn’t working out”_ or _“Should we just break it off?”_  
  
  
There is no mutual agreement like that.  
  
  
Maybe it’s because they both knew that  
there wasn’t anything really in the first place. It all was just, ultimately, temporary.  
  
  
Temporary happiness. Temporary moments.  
  
  
At least it was good while it lasted.  
  
  
They just stop talking.  
  
  
And whatever they had between them during that one summer,  
becomes just a memory.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, so it's done now. To be honest, I didn't expect myself to finish this fic when I was first beginning it, but I ended up garnering an audience that seems to quite like it, so yeah, I kept churning out ideas and kept writing all the way here.
> 
> While writing this chapter, I was reliving a lot of my own memories I based this fic off of my own (platonic) experience with foreign exchange students. It was one of the best few months of my life, but unfortunately our relationships now are similar to how I ended Xukun's and Zhengting's. We only check in and talk to each other every few months. I've lost connection completely with some of them. Time zones and language barriers are difficult to work with, especially with the time-consuming demands of school.
> 
> I know some won't like this ending, and some will, but either way, I hope it can at least be considered suitable for the story.
> 
> As for a future fic of similar setting/vibe of this one? Currently I don't have any ideas or plans, but if anybody has prompts, feel free to send them to me thu my twitter at @baifenzhi9. 
> 
> Thank you everybody for reading and the support! :]


End file.
